Saturday, December 17, 2011
Are You Hooked? Entry #9
TITLE: Suckered In
GENRE: I'm not quite sure... YA, maybe?
I first met Thomas O’Rourke at the Maidstone Country Club.
I was on the Club’s golf course, about to tee off on the thirteenth hole when he approached by himself, carting around a heavy golf bag. Not being the type of country club to admit any old person off the street, I dismissed him as a simple caddy. I positioned my golf club next to the small white ball, and was about to strike when the caddy spoke.
‘Excuse me, dear sir, you wouldn’t happen to have the time, would you?’ the caddy asked me in a quaint Irish accent.
My own caddy answered for me. ‘Quarter past three,’ he said gruffly. ‘Now move along, go find your golfer.’
‘I am a golfer,’ Thomas O’Rourke replied. ‘I’m here to play golf.’ To me, he asked, ‘do you mind if I play this hole with you?’
My caddy began to tell the man to get lost, Lord Charles Hensley didn’t share the green with a common man, but I interrupted with a raise of my hand. ‘Settle down, Jethro, the man only wants to play golf! Besides, it’s a lovely day! You can’t blame a man for wanting to play golf on such a fine Saturday afternoon, can you?’
Of course, if I had known then who Thomas O’Rourke was, I would have demanded Jethro throttle him right there on the field.
‘No, sir,’ Jethro said humbly. He moved aside for the man to join me.
‘I’m Thomas O’Rourke,’ the man said, thrusting out his hand. I took it and he shook energetically.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'd say I'm hooked. A quiet opening, but it has the tension to pull me through the next couple pages to see if I'd be interested in the plot. Good job! Only one little critique—
ReplyDelete"‘I am a golfer,’ Thomas O’Rourke replied."
Seems kind of odd to put his name in the dialogue tag, since he hasn't 'introduced' himself yet, in the present writing/scene playing out. It just stopped me for a moment, interrupting the flow of reading, so I might just say 'he' again and leave his name out until he introduces himself in dialogue.
Anyway…yes, hooked! =)
About your undetermined genre: It's important to know what you're writing. :) YA generally has protagonists aged 14-18. NEVER older than 18. Your protagonist feels older (why would a teen have a caddy? teens are usually the ones doing the caddying.).
ReplyDeleteYour piece also has a historical feel; the language feels older and references like "didn't share the green with a common man" definitely belong in another time and place. So if your story is set, say, in the 19th century, that would make this a historical novel. And if your protagonist is a teen, then it's YA Historical.
Be careful with your dialogue. It feels overwritten and unnatural. A good trick is to read your dialogue out loud to make sure it feels natural when you're saying it.
Here:
‘I am a golfer,’ Thomas O’Rourke replied. ‘I’m here to play golf.’ To me, he asked, ‘do you mind if I play this hole with you?’ Thomas hasn't introduced himself yet, even though your opening line mentions him. So using his full name in this dialogue tag doesn't sound right.
Examples of overwriting that needs to be tightened:
My own caddy answered for me. ‘Quarter past three,’ he said gruffly. ‘Now move along, go find your golfer.’
Try:
"Quarter past three," my own caddy said gruffly. "Now go find your golfer."
My caddy began to tell the man to get lost,
My caddy told the man to get lost
Or write the actual dialogue and have your narrator interrupt. Having characters "begin to" do things isn't as tight as simply having them DO things.
THIS:
Of course, if I had known then who Thomas O’Rourke was, I would have demanded Jethro throttle him right there on the field.
There's your tension, and it's GOOD. It makes me want to read more, to find out what's up with Thomas.
Good work!
The first line hooked me. I immediately had a sense that this Thomas was a big deal. But from there the language kind of lost me. You had quite a few repeated words. Examples:
ReplyDeletewhen the caddy spoke.
‘Excuse me, dear sir, you wouldn’t happen to have the time, would you?’ the caddy asked me in a quaint Irish accent. (Then you say "caddy" again in the next line, except it's necessary that time.)
‘Settle down, Jethro, the man only wants to play golf! Besides, it’s a lovely day! You can’t blame a man for wanting to play golf on such a fine Saturday afternoon, can you?’ Also, about this sentence, is it day or afternoon? He calls it both.
One more thing. This line: I positioned my golf club next to the small white ball "Golf" club didn't feel necessary, since we already know he's at a country club, golfing. And also "small white ball" didn't feel necessary, because we know what a golf ball is. XD That's just nitpicky.
Other than that, I don't think I'm hooked. It doesn't feel like my kind of book at the end of the day.
Hope this helps some, anyway! And good luck with this! =)
On one hand, I'm totally taken in because of this line:
ReplyDeleteOf course, if I had known then who Thomas O’Rourke was, I would have demanded Jethro throttle him right there on the field.
Which is, IMO, fantastic.
But on the other, the lines leading up to it just weren't grabbing me. In the interest of full disclosure, though, I'm not a golf person and kinda start to itch when I think about golf, so I'm biased.
The first line is fine, I think, and fits in very well with the line I quoted above. In the paragraph that follows, though, I wish we'd get a more definite sense of the MC. I think that you've got a lot of potential here, and it just needs some tweaking. :-) Good luck!
I loved the "Of course, if I had known then who Thomas O’Rourke was, I would have demanded Jethro throttle him right there on the field." line. But other than that, I'm not hooked. I'm imagining the MC as one of those snobby English boys with stiff hair and an inheritance. I've never been crazy about them. Plus, it doesn't sound like my genre. I think it could be good, but I'm not hooked, sorry. Good luck!
ReplyDelete