Saturday, December 17, 2011

Are You Hooked? Entry #10

GENRE: YA Paranormal romance


The rain falls fast, impacting against the metal of the playground with a ricocheting ping. Loud and echoing, it reminds me of bullet casings hitting the ground, like they do in the films my brothers watch. Just as unforgiving; just as final.

There was a time in my life when rain meant nothing much to me. A time where the speed with which it bounced off the ground would not have captured my attention. That was before he came into my life. He took everything I knew, and ripped it up. The way I see the world, my perception of everything, it's all changed. He taught me to see the world through his eyes, and through his eyes, rain fell like bullet casings.

Everything has a violent edge with him. There's always a hint of danger, a gleam of fear. Even the most passionate moments we've shared - our most intense kisses - had an edge of anger to them. Finally, I understand where that comes from. I understand why, in the same moment that he gathers me tenderly in his arms, he’ll be gazing at me with hell in his eyes.

It's all in his mind. It's inside of him. Half of him loves me, completely and utterly. The other half, the side merged with danger and anger, hates me. Despises, loathes and is repulsed by me. By us. By the love we share. The side that torments him.

I stalk him with my eyes, as he does me, from across the empty field.


  1. I like the mood you've set here.

    Your opening paragraph evokes wonderful imagery, but is a tad overwritten:

    The rain falls fast, impacting against the metal of the playground with a ricocheting ping. Loud and echoing, it reminds me of bullet casings hitting the ground, like they do in the films my brothers watch. Just as unforgiving; just as final.

    Try something like:

    The rain ricochets against the metal of the playground. It reminds me of bullet casings hitting the ground, like they do in the films my brothers watch. Unforgiving and final.

    (I hated taking out the word "ping", though, so maybe just work on that sentence until it's tighter, and you can figure out how to use "ping". :D)

    In your second paragraph, you say "he", but the antecedent is her brother, and clearly you're not talking about him! So we need a name.

    I understand what you're trying to do here, but I don't think it's quite working. You're TELLING us a lot about things that have already happened, and what we need is to be SHOWN these things HAPPENING. If you want to open your story with some hints of things that have gone on, make it brief and tantalizing. But right now, this reads like a re-cap of a story that's already happened. A tantalizing story, to be sure, but it's not "here and now." As such, it's very hard to invest in the nameless character about which your narrator is telling us.

    Don't start your story by telling us things that happened in the past. Start your story with conflict in the present. In the NOW.

    Good work!

  2. Just noting this is a prologue, so you have a little more grace with the "here and now" I just mentioned. I'm still not invested, though, and I still think you need to bring this into the "here and now" of whenever the prologue is taking place. :)

  3. Not really hooked. You begin describing the sound of the rain, and then proceed to do a lot of telling about what "he" did to the (I'm assuming female) MC. Prologues are not really my thing in the first place, but they're usually to show something that happened in the past to explain something later. This is doing a lot of telling, and already most of it has happened in the PAST. It's like this prologue needs a prologue. XD

    Anyway, I would probably read on if you could show more, since she seems to be in a bad way, and I'd like to know more. Good luck with this! =)

  4. The imagery is wonderful, but it goes on for a while. I'm not getting any sense of the story, of why I should care how this guy thinks. I would read on, but if it doesn't get clearer, I would probably give up on it. Good luck!

  5. While you do have great descriptions, I'm just not pulled in enough. It does intrigue me a little, but it's just that like you'[re telling us what's going on, but it's not really dragging me into the story. You do, however, really put into place her feelings for this guy and that she really needs him. That we very well done.

  6. Constance's comment pretty much sums up everything I would say. Too much telling and imagery, but I want to get into the story. I'm afraid nothing in the 250 words has hooked me.

  7. You're imagery is gorgeous, there's no doubt. Throughout the imagery I got little peeks of your main character, kind of like raisins in rice pudding. Because of this, I didn't feel invited into the story.

    I think it should be reverse, the imagery should be raisins, just enough to sweeten. The main character should be the pudding. This way the imagery is not overpowering, but complements.

    Another reason I didn't feel invited into the story was the main character describing the kind of relationship she had with the guy. While that isn't a problem, the dynamics of their relationship would carry more of an impact if we knew the main character and the guy she was talking about. It felt like back-story to me, back-story that we DO need, but not all in one dose and at that exact moment. Leave a little bit unanswered, put a little tension into the scene, make us want to read more, if only to figure out why these people hate each other so much.

    To me, this had that potential for awesomeness that always excites me. I could go on and on about this awesomeness, but then this comment would be embarrassingly long. So I'll just say this, you have something great here. I don't know how far along you are in this story or if you're done, but if you're not done, keep going. Don't take any of this criticism too seriously, there will be time for that later. If you're done, then definitely take everything everyone has said into consideration. Consider what you agree on and what you don't or what makes sense even though it makes you want to punch the computer screen. But don't punch the computer screen. Try a pillow, it's easier on the hands. :]

  8. That is a great start but it's a but wordy. i LOVE THE idea of the half and half