Saturday, December 17, 2011
Are You Hooked? - Entry #2
TITLE: Extraction
GENRE: Ya dystopian
When Logan finally arrives, he's holding a flower that could kill me.
I stop tapping my nails on the fence and stare at the green stem, at how the petals glint silver so they almost look like metal.
“What the hell's wrong with you?” I shove his arm away and back up so fast I ram into our shack's windowsill, but the pain doesn't faze me 'cause I've felt worse.
It's been eleven years since I've seen petals like that. Silver aster flowers are genetically manipulated to calm the mind, but I’m severely allergic to their pollen.
Logan chuckles.
Leaning down, I sift my fingers through the dirt, find a rock, and throw it at his shoulder. Hard.
His laughter dies. “Jeez, Clementine.” He lifts a calloused hand and tears off a flower petal. Thin silver wrappings fall away, leaving behind the blackening blue of a common aster. It’s grimy, of course.
Everything’s covered in grime on the Surface.
My cheeks grow hot.
He smiles. “You didn’t seriously think I’d sneak into the Core to find a silver aster for you? God.”
“Oh shut up, Logan. You’re such an idiot.”
He tosses me the perfectly ordinary flower. I scowl, but sniff it. Smells like dust, same as everything.
“You ready to go?” he asks.
I snort and flick a red-orange curl out of my eye. Of course I’m ready. I’m wearing my only dress, light blue with faded pink flowers speckled across its fabric. I’m even wearing shoes.
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Hmm…there's not much actually wrong with this, it's just…it feels a bit off. Like a gimmicky opening used as an excuse to have a snappy first line. I mean, snappy first lines are great, but it feels forced, I guess? I'm much more interested in why she's getting all dressed up. Maybe cut the whole flower thing and start with the story. Good luck! =)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! Love the way you set the tone for the story with the genetically modified flower. I like their relationship already, and I'm very curious about who they are and where they're going. The genre just makes it better.
ReplyDeleteI half agree with Amanda about the flower. You probably could jump right in to the story, unless the flower is somehow significant.
I'd definitely keep reading! Nice work.
I feel like I've read this before...maybe in one of the contests in the blogosphere? xD
ReplyDeleteI'm also hooked and I'm intrigued by the flowers (ie: silver aster) and their significance to the story (I'm assuming that they ARE significant because they sound like they might be. If they're not, I'll probably agree with Amanda about it being gimmicky). Other than that, I would read on to see why she's all dressed up and discover more about her relationship with Logan.
The flower bit feels weird. It's interesting, and helps worldbuild, but why is it significant? Did he get it to go with her dress? I'm way more interested in why she's dressing up.
ReplyDeleteI would read on! This is intriguing. :)
I didn't mind the flower part. Perhaps if there's no significance to the story you should drop it, but otherwise, I think it's an interesting opening.
ReplyDeleteOne minor thing that I should mention: I didn't like the word "faze". I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but it just didn't feel right.
Aside from that, this is pretty good!
"I stop tapping my nails on the fence and stare at the green stem...
ReplyDelete“What the hell's wrong with you?” I shove his arm away and back up so fast I ram into our shack's windowsill, but the pain doesn't faze me 'cause I've felt worse."
Not crazy about the phrase, "faze me 'cause I've felt worse." Reword?
Also, the mood seems to change really quickly. One second she's staring at the stem. No biggy. Then she's freaking out at him. Delayed reaction much? I think she could still stare at it... from a distance, where it's safe.
"Silver aster flowers are genetically manipulated to calm the mind, but I’m severely allergic to their pollen." This sentence is a little tell-y. Is there a way to incorporate the information more smoothly? Give us two words about allergies, and we're good. So maybe something like, "What was he thinking? My allergies meant I couldn't even go near the Calm Mind powder, and he was bringing the raw ingredients into our yard?" Etc. XD
"Leaning down, I sift my fingers through the dirt, find a rock, and throw it at his shoulder. Hard." A little wordy here. I think you could probably condense it some. "She picked up a rock and threw it at his shoulder. Hard." I think something like that would work just as well. However, the rock-chucking struck me as a bit harsh to begin with (plus, was it a rock, like, the size of her fist? Or just a pebble. Was it a serious attack, or something more playful? Right now you leave this a bit vague, and I'm not sure how it fits into the mood).
"You didn’t seriously think I’d sneak into the Core to find a silver aster for you?" Not a question? I mean, it kind of is. But not the kind that deserves a question mark.
"I’m even wearing shoes." XD I like this line, and think it says a lot about her character...
All in all, I think something like this could work - your first line was pretty gripping. But the tempo of this kind of stuttered between calm and freaking out. That also made me feel like the main character was overly moody, and while I'm getting an impression of her... I'm not entirely sure it's an all good impression.
I agree with the others to drop the flower if it's insignificant and this is the only time it and her allergies are ever mentioned... But from this I assume that's not the case. They DO strike me as important -- something to remember.
I would possibly read on, if you smooth out the mood and tempo things a bit. :]
Keep writing. ;)
That first line is amazing. Please take a moment to sit and bask in the brilliance of your first sentence. Seriously...do it. You have to know how awesome that sentence is.
ReplyDeleteAll 250 words are pretty brillant. I am definitely hooked. Some of the things I love about this:
1. The flower. For a second I believed, just like your main character, that Logan had really brought her a flower that could kill her. That moment felt symbolic to me.
2. Your main character. I love her voice. It rings in my head. Plus, she threw a rock at Logan. And the last sentence "I'm even wearing shoes." tells me so much about her and I'm intrigued.
3. Your world. Even though this is only the first 250 words, you make it very clear that the world these characters live in is different. And you do it so subtly that it doesn't feel like the fact is being jammed down my throat.
Good work.