Saturday, December 17, 2011
Are You Hooked? - Entry #1
Title: Sparked
Genre: YA Science Fiction
The only thing that stood between me and absolute, unhindered freedom was one thousand miles of desert and mountain in every direction. Aside from that little geographical obstacle, I was practically home free.
A hand touched my shoulder. I turned and saw Aunt Beverly standing there, wearing a housecoat that might have once been a shade of lavender but was now sunbleached white. “Daydreaming again?” she asked, brushing a wisp of blonde hair back.
I nodded. “As always.”
She sighed. In the distance, I saw huge black masses floating, suspended in thin air--or space--looking curiously flat and obtuse. The planes--giant steel behemoths--often liked to ruin my view. When you live in the realm of space that I do, though, the view is the last thing you worry about.
Aunt Beverly crossed her arms. I glanced over my shoulder to see her, her eyes focused far in the distance and mouth drawn tightly. After a moment, she said, “Your aptitude results arrive tomorrow. Are you nervous?”
I shrugged, “No. They don’t determine anything. They’re a compass, not a predestination.”
She smiled, her eyes sparkling from the setting sun. “True.” she paused. I could sense that she wanted to say more, but didn’t.
We stood and watched the sun slowly slip beyond the boundary of the earth. When it passed, she touched my shoulder again, “I need to deal with some dough. Come in before it gets too dark--there’ve been rumors of Duskers sneaking around lately.”
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Yep, I'm hooked. This is really good and I would love to know more about where they and why they feel trapped.
ReplyDeleteIt's a great start.
I'm definitely wondering what "Duskers" are, so I'd keep reading :) Nice job with this.
ReplyDeleteI might keep reading, but I felt the pace was a little slow to open with. I feel like there could be just a bit more tension in the writing itself to carry me forward.
ReplyDeleteSome(well, lots…it got too long for a single blog comment to handle. =/) nitpicks that might help:
"The only thing that stood between me and absolute, unhindered freedom was one thousand miles of desert and mountain in every direction."
Maybe 'The only thing standing between me and absolute freedom was one thousand miles of desert and mountains in every direction.' 'absolute' 'unhindered' and 'freedom' all have the same connotations, so I'd cut either 'absolute' or 'unhindered', or just have 'freedom' by itself. Makes it tighter.
"Aside from that little geographical obstacle, I was practically home free."
Being a sci-fi setting, presumably far far in the future, the phrase 'home free' seems rather too present to pass as something people in the distant future would think/say. It makes me think western, placed with the desert, instead of sci-fi. Plus, 'freedom' was just used, so 'free' so close isn't recommended. ^_^
"A hand touched my shoulder. I turned and saw Aunt Beverly standing there, wearing a housecoat that might have once been a shade of lavender but was now sunbleached white. “Daydreaming again?” she asked, brushing a wisp of blonde hair back."
The 'saw' is a telling marker, telling us what the MC sees instead of just showing it. Maybe 'A hand touched my shoulder, and I turned. Aunt Beverly stood there/behind me, wearing a housecoat sunbleached white. "Daydreaming again?" she asked, brushing back a wisp of blonde hair." Putting 'brushing' and 'back' next to each other keeps the the verb stuff together, so it's more immediately understood, and therefore pictured.
"In the distance, I saw huge black masses floating, suspended in thin air--or space--looking curiously flat and obtuse."
Another 'I saw', easily remedied. 'In the distance, huge black masses floated, suspended in thin air—or space—and looking curiously flat.' --'obtuse' presents the same information as 'flat' in less certain terms, so I suggest cutting it.
"The planes--giant steel behemoths--often liked to ruin my view. When you live in the realm of space that I do, though, the view is the last thing you worry about."
The second use of the 'blah—blah blah—blah' deal kind of stands out, and the 'When you live…' is too much talking-to-the-reader sounding. I see it done a lot, so it makes the voice sound more generic. So I'd alter it thusly: 'The planes liked to ruin my view, but in this realm of space, the view is the last thing you worry about.' (can take out the 'giant behemoths of steel' b/c you already described them (huge, black masses), and maybe work the 'steel' detail into the previous description.)
"Aunt Beverly crossed her arms. I glanced over my shoulder to see her, her eyes focused far in the distance and mouth drawn tightly. After a moment, she said, “Your aptitude results arrive tomorrow. Are you nervous?”"
ReplyDeleteIf MC isn't already looking at Aunt Beverly, how does he/she know she crosses her arms? From the 'Aunt Beverly crossed her arms.' sentence, I assume that MC has already turned around, and you can follow that assumption by describing her right after that. '…her arms. Her eyes focused on something in the distance, and her mouth drew tight.' or something like that.
"I shrugged, “No. …"
'shrugged' isn't a dialogue tag, and it doesn't really match saying no. Just tried it. It was a bit awkward. I might cut the 'no', because their explanation matches the shrug and answers the question well enough. So… 'I shrugged. "They don't determine…"'
"She smiled, her eyes sparkling from the setting sun."
'from' doesn't quite fit. 'with' or 'in' might be better.
"We stood and watched the sun slowly slip beyond the boundary of the earth."
The three 's's in a row, plus the 'stood' before them, stands out to me. Also, since they're on a planet different from Earth(I'm assuming), I might not use 'earth', b/c it puts me back into thinking we're on Earth. Maybe… 'We watched the sun slip beyond the horizon, and [then] Aunt Beverly touched my shoulder again.' or something like that. It's tighter.
"I need to deal with some dough."
Seems a bit awkward, compounded by the two 'd' words, both the verb and subject. Reword? Put away the dough, or bake the cake/bread/cookies. Something more specific(but not TOO specific) seems more natural.
So that was really, really long and persnickety…sorry! But I hope I could help a bit! Feel free to take or leave any of my suggestions, and good luck! =)
I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteThere wasn't much that bothered me, actually. Your first line seemed a little misleading. My first impression was that she'd been in a prison somewhere, and was set free, but there were miles and miles of space between her and home. Then it seemed to be about these results she was getting. *shrug* That's about it!
But! I'm definitely hooked, slower pace or not. I'd also like to know what the "Duskers" are.
Good job!
I agree with Amanda that the pace was a bit slow...but this might just be a personal preference thing than anything. I think you did a good job at setting up the world and your MC, and yes, I'm also wondering what the Duskers are. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! I'm curious about these aptitude test results the MC'll be getting, and the Duskers. I do think it starts a little slow, too, but that would only deter me if it kept up for the following pages.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I'm not hooked. But, I'm not a fan of sci-fi, so I may be bias. Like others said, I thought it was a bit slow.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I liked the first paragraph. It hooked me in, made me want to see why they weren't free, and how they were going to escape.
The fourth paragraph, about the planes, confused me. You called the objects planes, but your description didn't match what today's planes are. Maybe call them spacecraft? Also, they were ruining the MC's view, but then the protag said they didn't worry about the view. In my opinion, the proceeding sentence suggests otherwise.
Aside from those points, great work! Although I wasn't hooked, I'm curious about the aptitude test and the Duskers.