Saturday, December 17, 2011
Are You Hooked? Entry #7
TITLE: Defiance
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Birds are free. Birds go where they want, when they want. Why can't I?
Lexa wished she could stop, unpack her wings, and fly with the flock cruising above her party. Riding north––on a raining horse, of all things––was a miserable alternative.
"Lexa Warbler, you've been chosen as the honored new bride of the recently widowed Thane Jacom, heir to the Isovian throne."
Honored. The perfect word to keep her from arguing with the flock leader's ultimatum. She wouldn't anyway. The leader's word was more than law. It was the way of life. You don't oppose life.
A stab at her side pulled a yelp from Lexa; she instinctively squeezed her legs, forgetting she sat on a horse. It took a moment before she regained control; she shot Palonsy, her nest mother and only companion from Moa, a look.
Palonsy wielded a small branch like a sword, her black eyes gleaming. "We're almost to the human's capital. Why do you fantasize when you should be straightening yourself up?"
Lexa longed to watch the birds more, but she kept her gaze on Palonsy.
"Should you poke me? I hear humans care for some people more than others. When we arrive, we mayn't be on equal footing, you and I."
"Oh, please. I don't care who you're marrying." Palonsy rolled her eyes and stretched, mussing Lexa's hair. "I will always be your nest mother, chick. Where we are is a technicality."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hmm, I wonder whose entry this is! I could never guess. ^_~*
ReplyDelete"You don't oppose life."
Tense issue—don't = do not = present tense, so it should be 'didn't'. =)
"A stab at her side pulled a yelp from Lexa; she instinctively squeezed her legs, forgetting she sat on a horse."
Wording's a bit awkward. Umm…'Something stabbed Lexa in the side, and she yelped.' (for the first part). Not sure about the 'instinctively squeezed her legs'…why is she doing this? What's the purpose? If there's no special reason, maybe just cut that bit and leave it at yelping. It's less confusing. ^_^
"It took a moment before she regained control; she shot Palonsy, her nest mother and only companion from Moa, a look."
Gained control of what? And what did she do to gain control? A showing vs. telling thing. (P.S. I'M LEARNING! 8D) Also, might not put all the descriptions of Palonsy up front. We're in close third person, I assume, & so, in Lexa's head, so we think of Palonsy as just Palonsy, and integrate the rest later. Which…you kind of already have. "I will always be your nest mother", yep. Done. That was easy. =P And we can learn the name of her country later.
""Should you poke me? I hear humans care for some people more than others. When we arrive, we mayn't be on equal footing, you and I.""
I got it after a second, what she was implying, but I might rework it just a bit to make it less confusing. Mainly the 'care for some people' bit. Favor? Respect? Honor? idk, something along those lines that's a more specific verb than 'care for'. =)
YES YES READING ON GIVE ME MOAR. XD
Ooh, I like...my single point of confusion is simply that I wonder what Lexa is, since she speaks about 'humans' with the implication that she isn't one (plus the flock leader, wings, nest mother, etc.) but I suspect that would come soon enough, so it's probably a moot point.
ReplyDeleteI actually kinda like the "you don't oppose life" line, because it reminds me of the historical present tense in Latin. I think that it works stylistically, too, since it's a generality and more or less in Lexa's head.
Overall, I'm fascinated by the setting, the characters, and what's going on in their world. I'd definitely read on. :-)
Aw, this entry is so lonely…. Amanda pretty much covered everything, but I do have one nitpick:
ReplyDelete"Lexa longed to watch the birds more, but she kept her gaze on Palonsy."
I might take out the 'more' and put this action-beat-thing with her dialogue in the next paragraph.
Other than that…AWESOME! WHY AREN'T THERE MORE "HOOKED" COMMENTS ON THIS? Hee. Yes. I'm hooked. ^_^
I love this.
ReplyDeleteOne tiny, tiny, tiny thing: in the fourth paragraph, I think "wouldn't" should be "couldn't". You wrote that "you don't oppose life", and therefore it seems that you don't oppose the leader. But it sounds to me that Lexa *wants* to oppose. So really, she *can't* oppose. So... yeah. One little letter is all I would change.
Needless to say, I'm hooked. Great work!
There is a definite voice here, which is good.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about your setting; what is a "raining" horse? I get that they are flying, and they are not human. But where is Palonsy that she is able to poke your protag? On the same horse? One nearby? I found that I couldn't place myself in your setting.
Your use of 2 italicized lines so close together takes away their effectiveness. If I were you, I would choose one or the other. Perhaps the second one is more important, since it tells us in a nicely succinct way where our MC is headed. Which is kind of important. :)
Your dialogue is a bit stilted; particularly:
"Why do you fantasize when you should be straightening yourself up?"
Should you poke me? I hear humans care for some people more than others. When we arrive, we mayn't be on equal footing, you and I."
On the other hand, Palonsy's last bit of dialogue is really strong. So I would encourage you, as I have others, to read your dialogue out loud to make sure it's natural. I understand that this is fantasy, and set in a fantastical world. But even if your characters don't speak the way we do, their speech still needs to flow naturally.
This is a good start! I love fantasy, and this has a nice feel to it.
Good work!