TITLE: Bound In Blood
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
-Miles-
Across the street, blinking red letters glowed in the fogged up window: Open. From my spot on the steps of a building, I had a clear view inside. The long glossy bar and the empty leather stools positioned in front of it; the bartender standing behind the bar, with thick, tattooed arms folded and the man he was glaring at.
I lit another cigarette and waited. Out of all the late-nighters, the man had been there the longest, sitting at a table in the back. I’d lost count of how many refills he’d ordered, how many hours he sat there, frozen, with a tumbler of amber liquor in front of him. I only knew that it was long enough for my legs to grow stiff, for rain to come and go, and for the evening sun to fall out of the sky.
Now, the street was dark. The street lamps lining the sidewalks were either broken or flicked at intervals, leaving the sidewalks shadowed except for a circle of golden light that spilled out of the bar window.
“Last one,” the bartender reminded the man, his voice a deep bass that reverberated through the window and into the still night. My hand brushed over the knife sheath strapped to my hip. I wouldn’t kill the bartender, not if I didn’t have to. It was more of an instinct, like my body recognized the warning and tensed for a fight. But at this point, if I had to choose, I’d probably kill the man. He was just in the way.
ooh I like this. The environment intrigues me, and I'm definitely wondering what Miles is waiting for.
ReplyDeleteOnly one nit: "how many hours he sat there" should be "how many hours he'd sat there" :)
Hmm…sounds a bit older than YA. The voice comes off more early twenties to me, but that might just be me. Given this, I might read a couple more pages, but my personal preference isn't so much into an MC that would kill off a random person for being in the way, so…I'd give it a chance, but it doesn't look too good. And that's personal preference—not having to do much with the writing, that's fine. =) Urban fantasy's just not my thing, usually.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued! I would have to read on to know whether or not I was hooked, though. I agree with Amanda that this did feel older than YA.
ReplyDeleteA couple things. In the first paragraph, you used the word "bar" twice in the same sentence. Also, you say "lost count how many refills he'd had" and then you go on to describe the tumbler of liquor. That felt jerky to me.
Also, this sentence: "the bartender standing behind the bar, with thick, tattooed arms folded and the man he was glaring at." The bit "and the man he was glaring at" stood out to me. It felt... weird. Like it's just stuck on the end there, and doesn't belong with the rest.
Love the ending, though. What a perfect place to hit 250 words! =) Good luck with this!
Miles either sounds like he's in his twenties or is a teen that has just seen a lot to make him mature faster. I am hooked; I want to know why he's come to kill that man. I would probably read on.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I especially liked the second paragraph; I think it's beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteI think you should split the last paragraph into two paragraphs. You have the bartender talking, and then you switch topics to the knife. I'd start the new paragraph with "My hand brushed..." (and I'd probably take "over" out of that sentence; it's not necessary). However, that's really a matter of personal preference.
Besides that, though, I'm definitely hooked. Great job!
For me, I didn't get majorly drawn in until the end. But, you're descriptions are very well done, and you really caught how much damage she could do if she had to. This is very well written.
ReplyDeleteOooh, I like this!
ReplyDeleteLike Megan said, this is really well written, so well done! I can't find anything wrong with this, except in the first sentence you mention that the bar windows are fogged up, but the protagonist can see way too much detail in the bar, especially considering he's sitting across the road.
Other than that, excellent work!
Good tension and good mood setting!
ReplyDeleteYour writing needs tightening. You have a lot of sentences with strings of phrases separated by commas, and it starts to feel cumbersome.
For example:
I lit another cigarette and waited. Out of all the late-nighters, the man had been there the longest, sitting at a table in the back. I’d lost count of how many refills he’d ordered, how many hours he sat there, frozen, with a tumbler of amber liquor in front of him. I only knew that it was long enough for my legs to grow stiff, for rain to come and go, and for the evening sun to fall out of the sky.
See all those commas? I would pay attention to sentence structure to make sure you have enough variety.
The last paragraph REALLY MADE ME WANT TO READ MORE.
Good work!