TITLE: POINT BLANK
GENRE: YA Futuristic Thriller
The Phoenix is watching. As the walls of the virtual simulation room flicker around its flames, the legendary bird stares me down with its scarlet, ruthless eyes, as if it knows what I have planned.
Quickly, before its image can fade away, I get out my pistol from my pocket and fire, again and again, taking revenge for all those years I spent alone because of it, for all those people that died in the fire it caused. The beast shrieks and takes flight, but despite this reaction, doesn’t seem at all harmed by my flurry of bullets.
I pause, and then continue to shoot at it, aiming at its head this time. The flames that make up the phoenix’s feathers bristle for a moment, crackling like a hungry forest fire before quieting down like nothing happened. The phoenix’s fire somehow absorbs the bullets, just like it absorbed all the heat and energy from the bomb, the grenade, and the rocket that I’d used against it in previous simulations.
The gun had been my last resort.
There’s got to be a way to kill it. I try to remember the list of weapons in one of the books about primitive warfare that I’d read before entering this simulation. After mentally going through that list, I decide on one of the weapons.
I then do what my weapons-instructor told me never to do in the midst of combat.
I drop my gun, and wait with my hand outstretched beside me.
My main reaction is confusion(not really in a desired way). Why is he/she all shooting up the phoenix and "taking revenge for all those years I spent alone because of it, for all those people that died in the fire it caused" if it's a simulation? If they're that into it, shouldn't MC feel some sort of danger for themselves? It's too vague to draw me forward, and I don't care about your MC yet. Probably not hooked, but I might give it another paragraph or two. Good luck with this! =)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I thought the opening was strong! I loved the first line, and I was surprised when MC pulled out a gun and started shooting. But from there it got a bit confusing... there was too much (explaining? describing?), and I lost the story somewhere in what had happened and what was happening.
ReplyDeleteI think with some tightening, I might be hooked enough to read on. But right now I'm not sure. Also, the voice felt older than YA to me.
Good luck with this! =) I definitely love the idea of a phoenix in the future.
This is intriguing!
ReplyDeletescarlet, ruthless eyes
Try "ruthless scarlet eyes". Colors usually come last.
taking revenge for all those years I spent alone because of it, for all those people that died in the fire it caused.
This feels clunky. I understand that you're trying to hint at your main characters motivations, but this needs a lighter hand. I would delete the part about the fire altogether (that can come later), and maybe just mention something about revenge. That way, your readers will think, hmm, why does he want revenge against a Phoenix? And they'll want to keep reading.
Overwritten:
I pause, and then continue to shoot at it, aiming at its head this time. The flames that make up the phoenix’s feathers bristle for a moment, crackling like a hungry forest fire before quieting down like nothing happened. The phoenix’s fire somehow absorbs the bullets, just like it absorbed all the heat and energy from the bomb, the grenade, and the rocket that I’d used against it in previous simulations.
I pause, then continue to shoot, aiming at its head this time. The phoenix's flaming feathers bristle for a moment, crackling like a hungry forest fire. Somehow, their fire absorbs the bullets, like it absorbed the heat and energy from the bomb, the grenade, and the rocket I'd used against it in previous simulations.
You can probably delete "The gun had been my last resort," as that is implied in the previous paragraph. It might be effective to let "There's got to be a way to kill it" stand alone there instead.
I drop my gun, and wait with my hand outstretched beside me.
If your hand is outstretched, it's not beside you. ;)
You've set up an interesting scene here; tightening it up will make this crisp and will propel us into your story, which sounds like it could be really cool.
Good work!
I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been mentioned. I did find it a bit confusing, for the same reasons as Amanda, but I would read on. I'm really curious about this phoenix and why the MC wants to kill it so much. Good job. :)
ReplyDeleteThis really dragged me into it. Whether or not someone wanted to really read this book, they wouldn't have a choice after they read this. This is excellently written, with good descriptions! Very well done!
ReplyDelete"I get out my pistol from my pocket and fire." ACTION. So give me some more actiony words please. ;) Example: "I draw my pistol and fire." Do we really need to know it came from her pocket? Especially if they're in some kind of simulation room, where one could assumably pull something like that from mid-air if they wanted. All we really WANT to know, is that she has a gun, and she's firing.
ReplyDelete" taking revenge for all those years I spent alone because of it, for all those people that died in the fire it caused" This feels a little tell-y... Also, MORE ACTION! 8D That last part especially, in my opinion, is a little stiff. Your main character is taking revenge -- she(?)'s emotional, and passionate, and she will KILL this thing if it's the last thing she does! "For all those people that died in the fire it caused" strikes me as a little distant, like she could be talking about people she has no connection to. I assume she knew people involved, or it wouldn't affect her this much. So, try to ramp up your action words. Ex. "For everyone who'd died in its flames" or something. A little less passive, I think, with just a little bit more emotion coming through... Play with it, and see what you get. ^^
"The beast shrieks and takes flight, but despite this reaction, doesn’t seem at all harmed by my flurry of bullets." Shrieking and flying seems like a "Ow, I've been shot!" reaction. In other words, it seems harmed to me. It could ignore the flurry, it could soundlessly take flight (which could be more eery, to my way of thinking). It could tip its head to the side, like, "Oh, is something hitting me?" There are an infinite number of things you could do to show that the phoenix is unharmed. Have fun with it. :)
"The flames that make up the phoenix’s feathers bristle for a moment, crackling like a hungry forest fire before quieting down like nothing happened" The first part still feels a bit passive, and this whole section strikes me as a little wordy. Hmm... "The flames bristle like feathers, crackling like a forest fire before settling..." *shrug* I'm not entirely sure how to rework this myself. But I'd say it could definitely be smoother.
Wouldn't a simple gun be among the first things she(?) tries? Also... everybody knows a gun's not gonna do it. I think readers might appreciate her chucking grenades, or more heavy-duty explosives, right from the get-go. An 'explosive' beginning, eh? XD
"There’s got to be a way to kill it. I try to remember the list of weapons in one of the books about primitive warfare that I’d read before entering this simulation." Because I thought she'd been reading the primitive warfare books DURING the simulation. ;)
"After mentally going through that list, I decide on one of the weapons." I decide on a weapon. Short and simple. We already know she'd been going through a list.
I really like your last two lines. ^^ Those alone might make me read on. And I would read on, I think.
For right now, I'd say work on your Active Voice, cutting out unnecessary words. Giving the readers what they need to know fast, and leaving out the things they don't need.
Interesting start here. ^^ Keep writing!
I'm not quite sure about this one. I'm intrigued about the idea, but I'm not quite sure I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually a bit confused as to what's going on, to be honest. The Phoenix is in a simulation room, which makes me think perhaps is fake. But the MC seems to hate that individual creature, which makes me think it's real. I think you need to clarify what's going on in this passage.
Overall, I can't say I'm hooked, but I would give it a few more paragraphs before deciding to read on/put the book down.