TITLE: OBLIVIOUS
GENRE: Thriller
A homicide detective is spending Christmas at his parents’ with his siblings. He is playing the piano with his wife before dinner when she expresses her concerns about his passion. Raynaud’s is a disorder that causes blood vessels to constrict at stress/strong emotions. (A Writer Gone Mad actually has this disorder.)
Her hands fell from the keys, fingers white. I prayed it wasn’t the Raynaud’s again. Not in my haven. “Do you think you’ll ever stop?”
I stole a glance at her, stumbled and then caught myself. “Playing the piano?”
“Letting yourself get so engrossed in these cases, Jack.”
I pulled her close before she could finish and I could think, abandoning the piece. Her thumbs slipped through the belt loops of my jeans. “Of course, I will Abs,” I said. “Someday, I’ll have to. Why would you-”
“I’m just wondering,” She pulled me closer, put her head on my chest. “What if you’re killed before you stop?”
I didn’t say anything; there was always the possibility that it could happen. It almost did three years ago, and she knew it. I couldn’t forget what she had said to me. What if you’re killed?
I was grateful Naomi had stuck her head in, her hands lost in a paper towel, to brake my train of thought. “Hey lovebirds, dinner’s almost ready.”
I looked at her over Abby’s shoulder. “We’ll be right there.”
The expression on her face asked me what she dared not say out loud. Is everything alright?
I just looked at her. I don’t know.
The chandelier was on for the first time since I’d been back, throwing familiar shards all over the walls. I said grace, and felt the safest I had in years. Maybe that was dangerous.
Ethan raised his goblet for a toast and said, “To family, for without it, we’d all be insane.”
I loved this! Really loved it. It was smooth and I was caught up in the emotions of what they were saying and how natural it felt. I especially loved when he said "Playing the piano?" -- it felt like a really realistic thing to say.
ReplyDeleteJust a few things that stood out to me. The line " I pulled her close before she could finish and I could think, abandoning the piece. " was confusing -- it reads confusingly. Does he pull her close to stop himself from thinking or to stop her from speaking?
Other than that the actual dialogue felt realistic and was well done. Nice job!
I agree with the poster above. I loved it. Now I want to know more....want to know how he keeps working...whether or not his wife talks him into retirement...the whole nine yards! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI had to read the first paragraph several times before I could tell who was speaking. If you are describing her as a means to show us SHE is about to talk, you can't throw in HIS thoughts or we'll think it's him speaking. Or, we'll just be confused.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, my only other issue was with the jump from the hug to grace. Is he saying grace while he hugs her? If not, you need a transition here so we know they've left the piano.
Great job! I really loved this, it drew me in! I agree with what was said above so if you just tweek those few things then this piece will be in good shape :)
ReplyDeleteI really like this and felt their worries.
ReplyDeleteThe first para confused me since I wasn't sure who was speaking. There are some areas that needs a bit of smoothing out as well.
Below is just my suggestion:
I pulled her close before she could finish. “Of course, I will Abs. Someday, I’ll have to. Why would you-”
“I’m just wondering.(,)” She hugged my neck, put her head on my chest. “What if you’re killed before you stop?”
I didn’t say anything; there was always the possibility that it could happen. It almost did three years ago, and she knew it.
I couldn’t forget what she had said to me. What if you’re killed? (We already know what she said, so how about telling us how he feels about the danger he faces? Of leaving Abby if he died? Or his regret of putting his wife through this?)
(Rough transition. Let us hear the door open or Naomi first? Then let us feel his relief.) I was grateful Naomi (had) stuck her head in, her hands lost in a paper towel. (, to brake my train of thought.) “Hey lovebirds, dinner’s almost ready.”
I looked at her over Abby’s shoulder. “We’ll be right there.”
The expression on her face asked me what she dared not say out loud. Is everything (alright? Not a word. Should be all right.)
I just looked at her. I don’t know.
(Rought transition. They are still in front of the piano hugging. Did Naomi turn on the lights? Also, show them gathering in the dining room.) The chandelier was on for the first time since I’d been back, throwing familiar shards all over the walls. I said grace, and felt the safest I had in years. Maybe that was dangerous.
Ethan raised his goblet for a toast. (and said,) “To family, for without it, we’d all be insane.”
A bit of tightening and this would really shine. I would read more.
Great writing, very engrossing. Here are my points:
ReplyDelete-"haven" seems a little awkward
-The most jarring to me was her asking "what if you're killed?" and then three sentences later, him saying "I couldn't forget what she had said." It sounds like she said it a long time ago, not five seconds before.
-Where'd Naomi come from? It was a little rough to have her appear like that.
I loved the obvious connection with the characters.