Genre: YA Thriller
Lottie and Maureen are top-level swimmer frenemies whose jealousy has finally boiled over. Lee is their coach.
Rolling my eyes, I turned to her. "Get over yourself, Maureen. You're just pissed I'm beating you in practice again. Newsflash--I've always been faster."
"Lottie . . ." Lee sounded disappointed, but I ignored him. She needed this.
"I'm treating you the way you deserve to be treated," Maureen snapped. "Everyone has treated you like you're Michael Phelps for the past year and a half. They all tip-toe about like I'm about to Tonya Harding their a**, while you--you can do no wrong." She stood up, towering over me for a rare moment. "Except you can and you do and you never have to fix it!"
"Maureen!" Lee's cries were background noise.
I stood too. "I can't help that people like me because I actually care! I care about others, okay, and I care what they think of me--it's polite!"
"You care so much about yourself and your appearance and your reputation! Just shut up and swim. You're going nowhere in life with your looks--except maybe onto a pole!"
"GIRLS!" Lee slammed his fist down on his desk. "I don't know what has gotten into the two of you, but I can't have you guys fighting like this. My senior group has fourteen swimmers, and they all look up to you every day, sometimes twice a day. The rest of the team looks up to you during meets. You can't set a bad example."
"Little Miss Sunshine won't ever set a bad example," Maureen said, glaring at me.
"Little Miss Raincloud doesn't know how to set a good example," I returned.
Just a quick note. I liked the little miss sunshine,little miss raincloud at the end and the dialogue was good, but needed some tightening. Things like reading it back as if you were actually saying it, so you drop things like 'everyone has' and change it to everyone's. Possibly drop the 'They all tip toe' and maybe move straight to tip-toeing about like you're Michael...When you're cross you tend to shorten your sentences in conversation with a bit more snap to them. You haven't got time for proper 'talk' 'cause you're just so damn mad. Even with the teacher/coach. 'What's gotten into the two of you?' seems more immediate than 'I don't know what's gotten into you' seems more after the fact.
ReplyDeleteIt's late, and I'll leave it at that and pop in again.
Good job though. I hope they stop fighting.
I agree with Escape Artists comments, she pretty much summed up what I was thinking. I loved the little miss sunshine and little miss raincloud line! It was so funny and really just a great line! Great job, if you fix those little things that Escape Artist mentioned above then you'll be in good shape :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above. It was a good scene, though! I enjoyed it and how the argument built up until finally Lee made himself heard. Nice job! You feel satisfied the MC had her say, and so did her rival. Well-balanced.
ReplyDeleteOnce you tighten it up, it'll be really good. Nice work!
All in all, good! I agree with the above comments. My suggestions are below.
ReplyDelete"Get over yourself, Maureen. You're just pissed I'm beating you in practice again. Newsflash--I've always been faster."
"Lottie . . ." Lee sounded disappointed, but I ignored him. She needed this.
"I'm treating you the way you deserve to be treated," Maureen snapped. "Everyone has treated you like you're Michael Phelps for the past year and a half. They all tip-toe about like I'm about to Tonya Harding their a**, while you--you can do no wrong." She stood up, towering over me for a rare moment. "Except you can and you do and you never have to fix it!"
"Maureen!" Lee was background noise now.
I stood too. "I can't help that people like me because I actually care! I care about others. I care what they think of me--it's polite!"
"You care so much about yourself and your appearance and your reputation! Just shut up and swim. You're going nowhere in life with your looks--except maybe onto a pole!"
"GIRLS!" Lee slammed his fist down on his desk. "I don't know what has gotten into the two of you, but I can't have you guys fighting like this. My senior group has fourteen swimmers, and they all look up to you every day, sometimes twice a day. You can't set a bad example."
"Little Miss Sunshine won't ever set a bad example," Maureen said.
"Little Miss Raincloud doesn't know how to set a good example," I reminded.
This is pretty good but it could use a few tweaks:
ReplyDelete-Why is Lee telling them that his senior group has 14 girls? If they are in this group, they would know this already.
-"I reminded" is one of those dialogue tags Authoress warned against. A dialogue tag should rarely carry its own message. Just use said here. Or, if she has said this before (and it is indeed a reminder), say, "I said for the tenth time" or something that SHOWS it.
-The Tonya Harding thing is dated and doesn't make sense. She's saying that the others are afraid she's going to Tonya them but Tonya attacked her rival so they should be afraid she is going to attack Lottie, not them.
I agree with all the other comments. My only other suggestion is to cut 'Lee was background noise now'. Just tighten up, make the dialogue a bit more clipped and angry sounding, and this is great. =)
ReplyDeleteI would love to know what happens next :). It is a good start. I also agree with Holly Bodger. I couldn't work out why Lee was telling them there were 14 girls. But I also think that "they all look up to you every day, sometimes twice a day. The rest of the team looks up to you during meets" is unnecessary because, again, they both attend the swimming and the meets.
ReplyDeleteThe last two lines were great and I also liked how you used Caps to show yelling. It's a nice touch.