GENRE: YA Fantasy
Sabin and Zaida are running from yovi, servants of their enemy. Now, they’re visiting Sabin’s old town to find someone Sabin says can help them, but secrecy is key; there are posters of their faces everywhere. This is the scene where the gatekeeper — who recognizes Sabin — lets them in.
A heavy lock clicked behind the door and it creaked open a crack.
“Who goes there? We said we… oh.” It opened wider. “Sabin!”
“Shut up,” Sabin said quietly.
A middle aged man slipped out of the door and shut it behind him. “What are you doing here? The yovi arrived this morning said they were looking for two dangerous runaways. Your face is on posters right now! No one could believe it was—”
“Save it for later. I have to see Evin.”
“Not now you can’t.” The man seemed genuinely agitated. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Sabin glanced at me. “I can’t explain. Just trust that things are finally going the right way.”
The man seemed to notice me for the first time. “Zaida. She’s here too? Look, if you bring the yovi down on all of us…”
“Trust me, all right?”
“Your word is all I’m on.” The man opened the door and hurried us in. “Make this quick. Last I saw her was in the Inn ‘bout a week ago.”
Sabin cursed. “If she’s not here and we have to leave, tell her I came as soon as you next see her, all right?”
“Will do. Only be careful.”
Great job! I loved this! Only one nitpick :) when the guard yelled "who goes there?" that sounded too cliche, cause it's been done so many times (unless in the story the guard is the type that would say that) I think "who's there?" or "Who's out there?" might be better, since you have a bit of modern speech right after it with Sabin saying "shut up," which, by the way, I loved. It made me laugh cause I could so see them trying to be quite and having a guard friend yell their names without even thinking about it. Anyway, the rest of the talking seemed very realistic, great job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the poster above. I do like what you've written here & would love to know more about their world. Good job!
ReplyDeleteSarah's spot on. :) Love this so much! My suggestions are below.
ReplyDeleteA heavy lock clicked behind the door and it creaked open a crack.
“Who goes there? We said we…” It opened wider. “Sabin!”
“Shut up,” Sabin said softly. There was a glint in his eye I didn't recognize.
A middle aged man slipped out of the door and shut it behind him. “What are you doing here? The yovi arrived this morning said they were looking for two dangerous runaways. Your face is on posters right now! No one could believe it was—”
“Save it for later. I have to see Evin.”
“Not now you can’t.” The man seemed genuinely agitated. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Sabin glanced at me. “I can’t explain. Just trust that things are finally going the right way.”
The man seemed to notice me for the first time. “She’s here too? If you bring the yovi down on all of us…”
“Trust me, all right?”
“Your word is all I’m on.” He opened the door and hurriedly ushered us in. “Make this quick. Last I saw her was in the Inn ‘bout a week ago.”
Sabin cursed. “If she’s not here and we have to leave, tell her I came as soon as you see her again, all right?”
“Will do. Be careful, Sabin. Both of you.”
The only thing that confused me here was, "Zaida. She’s here too?" Is the man asking Zaida if she's there? Can't he see her for himself? This made me think Zaida was someone else.
ReplyDeleteI really like this! It pulls me in and makes me want to read more! The dialogue flows well. I agree with the corrections above, and don't really have anything to add. Good job! I want to read more now and find out what happens next! :D
ReplyDeleteOpening with 'A heavy lock clicked behind the door', I think of a lock latching rather than unlatching. And because they're on the one side of the door, they wouldn't know that it's a heavy lock, would they? I might call it a bolt, rather than a lock, to get across the heaviness without telling details it seems odd for them to know, if that makes sense. And include something about the clicking sound meaning an unlocking, rather than a locking, in the first part of the sentence. But if they're familiar with this door, and the reader already knows it's locked at this point, disregard--this is just someone who hasn't read anything before this point. =)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, moving on to the actual dialogue--in your first line, I think it's weird that he says '...oh. Sabin!' It would read tighter if he trails off and says Sabin, like 'We said we...Sabin!' It opened wider. Because 'oh' comes across as 'oh...you.' Not agitation/excitement to see him/her(there aren't any gender indicators for Sabin in this excerpt, though it sounds like it might be a guy).
If he opened the door wider, Zaida will have seen that he's a middle-aged man, so she will say 'The middle-aged man', rather than 'A middle-aged man.'
"The yovi arrived this morning said they were looking for two dangerous runaways."--it seems as though you're missing a word or two.
"Your face is on posters right now!"--I'd cut 'right now'.
"The man seemed genuinely agitated."--what reason does Zaida have to doubt the authenticity of his agitation that she specifies 'genuinely'?
“What do you think you’re doing?”--this doesn't seem to follow a clear train of thought. It sounds like Sabin starts to do something, and the man responds with this, but Sabin isn't described as doing anything. Something less on the offensive would be 'What are you doing?/What do you plan to do?' ect.
I think that's it. If there's anything else, it was probably already mentioned. Great job--sounds like an interesting story, and I want to keep reading. =)