Title: Through Closed Eyes
Genre: YA Paranormal
"We're trying to find him," I blurted out. I sighed and shrugged further into the couch, hoping that their expensive cushions would swallow me up.
"Who?" Christian asked dumbly.
"John, who the h*** else?" I snapped impatiently. "I told you the truth, now you give me what I came for," I commanded as I placed my hand out in front of me. He smiled down at me and shook his head.
"You didn't tell me the full truth." He said it slowly, as if I was a kindergartner who kept cheating at a game and he had to keep retelling me the rules.
"You can't know the full truth," I said in a slight mimicking tone. I placed my lips in a pout.
"Pouting’s not pretty," he laughed, he touched my lips lightly.
"Neither is being a jerk," I muttered, reconsidering the whole killing angle.
"Yeah, but I'm a guy. We don't care about being pretty."
"Who's the liar now?" I giggled, rolling my eyes. Now, Gabriel doesn't care about being pretty, but I know almost every other guy does. Or, well, I suppose they prefer the term hot, pretty is an insult to their manliness. Ha ha.
I liked this! I like how they're conversing with each other and how it shows their relationships.
ReplyDeleteJust a few things.
In the line "hoping that their expensive cushions would swallow me up" -- I would replace "that their" with "the" or something simpler like.
Also, in this bit:
""John, who the h*** else?" I snapped impatiently. "I told you the truth, now you give me what I came for," I commanded as I placed my hand out in front of me. He smiled down at me and shook his head."
First she snaps impatiently, then she commands. I would keep snapped (maybe cut 'impatiently'..it doesn't feel necessary) and instead of saying "I commanded" next, I would put a gesture to SHOW she's commanding, like simply putting her hand out in front of her says a lot.
Other than those, make sure you watch out for too many things like "I laughed" "I giggled" "I muttered" and don't be afraid to use the "said"
I enjoyed this! When it's tightened it's going to be a really neat dialogue scene.
The first lines...you could say "I blurted out. Shrugging further into the couch I sighed" then it wouldn't be two "I's" so close together.
ReplyDeleteMaybe say "He said slowly" and take out the "it".
That's what struck me right away....but it's a good scene...makes me want to know what she's after that he's promised her....all in all I'd read to satisfy my curiosity.
And "I pouted" rather than "I placed my lips in a pout"...that's slightly awkward to read.
You've got an excellent scene ready to go here, and you can make it even better. A few small things can make a big difference.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing I noticed is how choppy it feels. If you haven't already, try reading it out loud, especially since it is dialogue. Notice how there are a lot of starts and stops as you're speaking it. What's causing that is the way the dialogue is followed by a 'tag' or 'beat' after each statement.
For example: "Pouting’s not pretty," he laughed, he touched my lips lightly.
The tag is "he laughed . . . ". If you look back over the whole scene, there is almost always one sentence dialogue with one sentence action/dialogue tag. With it repeated like that, it feels stuttered.
Now for an easy way to fix it:
1. Dialogue tags and actions don't have to always go after the dialogue. Try: He laughed, touching my lips lightly. "Pouting’s not pretty."
You don't need 'he said' on there because we know it's him speaking since he was the one doing the action preceding it.
Here's the dialogue again, with some of those tags changed:
"We're trying to find him," I blurted out. I sighed and shrugged further into the couch, hoping that the expensive cushions would swallow me up.
"Who?" Christian asked dumbly.
"John, who the h*** else?" I snapped. "I told you the truth, now you give me what I came for."
I stuck my hand out. He smiled down and shook his head. "You didn't tell me the full truth."
He said it slowly, as if I was a kindergartner cheating at a game and he had to keep retelling me the rules.
"You can't know the full truth," I said in a slight mimicking tone. My lips moved to a pout.
He just laughed, touching my lips lightly. "Pouting’s not pretty."
"Neither is being a jerk." I was reconsidering the whole killing angle.
"Yeah, but I'm a guy. We don't care about being pretty."
I giggled and rolled my eyes. "Who's the liar now?"
Note: I did adjust some of the things the previous commenter mentioned, like cutting out words that don't really need to be there. Some, like "at me" or "to me" are unnecessary since there are only two people in the scene. Trimming out those words make the story flow more smoothly.
Most of the last paragraph can be cut out too, since I'd say most people know that guys don't like to be called pretty or say they don't care about it. When you end with that dialogue, the whole discussion seems stronger.
Try some more expressive verbs, like "stuck my hand out" instead of "placed." It uses fewer words and packs more of a punch when you pull out a great verb.
Hope this helps! Great start.
Dang it! Everybody always beats me to the good comments, ha ha! My suggestions are below. :)
ReplyDelete"We're trying to find him," I blurted out. I shrugged further into the couch, hoping the cushions would swallow me up, make me invisible.
"Who?" Christian asked.
"John, who the h*** else?" I snapped. "I told you the truth, now you give me what I came for." I placed my hand out in front of me. He smiled down at me and shook his head.
"You didn't tell me the full truth." He said it slowly, as if I was a kindergartner who kept cheating at a game and he had to keep retelling me the rules.
"You can't know the full truth," I said, mimicking his immaturity. My lips turned into a pout.
"Pouting’s not pretty," He touched my lips lightly.
"Neither is being a jerk," I muttered, reconsidering the whole killing angle.
"Yeah, but I'm a guy; we don't care about being pretty."
"Who's the liar now?" I giggled, rolling my eyes. Now, Gabriel doesn't care about being pretty, but I know almost every other guy does. Or, I suppose they prefer the term hot, pretty is an insult to their manliness.
I agree that you need to eliminate a lot of these showing dialogue tags and adverbs. I'd also suggest you vary your sentence structure a little. Almost every line here starts with dialogue and ends with description. You need some that start with description and some that have no dialogue or no description.
ReplyDeleteTo add to what everyone else said, I think a sentence to show the surroundings would help orient the reader. An expensive couch could be anywhere--Christian's living room, a hotel, beachside cottage...or even a warehouse.
ReplyDeleteFor her to shrink against the cushion seemed like she was ashamed, and I didn't understand why. Also, she snapped, considered the "killing angle" then giggled. Her emotion is a bit scattered. Focus on her goal and what she's feeling in this moment and time. I think that would add more tension.
I am curious why she's looking for John and why Christian is questioning her.
I like this section, it's intruiging and makes me want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above, but there's just one or two other things I noticed.
When you talk about "tho whole killing angle" are you using the phrase literally, meaning that someone is going to die, or do you mean it metaphorically? That phrase didn't make much sense to me, maybe you could change it or verify what you mean.
Also, the man in the room with the girl is named Christian, but then in the last paragraph, you talk about a guy named Gabriel. Is there another guy in the story named Gabriel that you're refering to, or do you mean something else? I was confused because I though that last paragraph was talking about Christian not caring if he was pretty, but you used a different name.
But, other than those things I really like this! I want to read more and find out what's going on. Good job! :D
I love the voice and the dialogue SO much. However, the tags and constant physical description is a little jarring. Still, I'm sure I'd gobble this up. Great job!
ReplyDelete