Saturday, March 19, 2011

"Talking Heads" Critique Session Entry #3

TITLE: THE NIGHT
GENRE: Epic YA Fantasy

The prince/keralealon, Taeon, and his manservant, Ghale, are preparing for their mission, to capture a fugitive and bring them back to the capital.

Ghale pulled a set of gold, ruby-encrusted ceremonial robes from the closet. “Perhaps these shall be of some use to you on the journey, sire.” The corner of his mouth twitched.

“Yes, I agree.” Taeon turned back to reading the details of the mission. “Find a good place for them among the saddlebags. Wouldn’t want them to become wrinkled.” Ghale knew perfectly well what he ought to be packing.

There was a clinking of metal on metal. “Master Taeon, what are these for?” He held three silver arm bands, each about the width of two fingers.

“My father has decided he must have a hand in what I wear. As if the people concern themselves with such trivial things.”

“Must be popular with the keradealas.”

Taeon gave him a look.

“Maybe he hopes you’ll find a wife during your travels,” he continued with a sly grin.

“Ghalen, we’re to be chasing dangerous fugitives from the law. I doubt we’ll take the time to attend any keraden banquets. If you’re coming solely to chase maidservants, I suggest you stay home.” Not that the boy had any choice in the matter.

“Already have a girl in mind, then, sire?”

“You are dismissed, Ghalen,” he said without looking up. “And when I say dismissed, I mean permanently.”

Ghale placed one more item on the pile, then assumed a sullen expression. “As you wish, my keralealon. I will go pack my things.” He left.

Taeon shook his head. If he ever truly wished to dismiss Ghale, he wouldn’t take him seriously.

5 comments:

  1. This was good. It reads like an almost humorous, fairytale-like story. I enjoyed it. If that's what you were aiming for, then this is pretty good! I can't think of something in particular I would change. Well done!

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  2. You've got a couple issues with your POV here. This sounds like it is supposed to be from Taeon's POV, but then you show things he can't see. For example, if he doesn't look up when he dismisses Ghale, how does he know that Ghale is assuming a sullen expresssion?

    This line also confused me: "Ghale knew perfectly well what he ought to be packing." Is Taeon thinking this or is Ghale? I assume it's Taeon since this is his POV but it doesn't really make sense that way as he has just told him not to wrinkle things. He hasn't just told him what to pack.

    I'd suggest you re-read this as if YOU are Taeon so you can clean-up the POV.

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  3. This is really good, I like it a lot!

    But, one thing I noticed is that the names are a little difficult to pronounce, especially Taeon. Maybe you could either change it a little to make it more pronouncable, or just put a pronounciation guide in the back of your book so people can refer back to that.

    Other than that, I enjoyed reading this, and want to read the rest of the story. God job! :D

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  4. Yeah I agree with the POV comments--if this is suppsed to be 3rd omniscient, that needs to be more obvious. Also, it seemed extremely light-hearted for a kidnapping or even just for an epic fantasy.

    Still, I enjoyed it, and good job :)

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  5. "Taeon turned back to reading the details of the mission."

    I can't decide if this reads cleaner, 'Taeon returned to reading,' or as is. With 'turned', you have the repetition of t's, and with 'returned', you have the repetition of r's.

    "Ghale knew perfectly well what he ought to be packing."

    I noticed some confusion with this line. It might be clearer that it's Teaon's thought, if he shakes his head or frowns. (He shakes his head later, though.) And for cleanliness, you can get rid of the 'perfectly well'. 'He frowned. Ghale knew what he ought to be packing.' Or connected. 'He frowned--Ghale knew…' This shows he realizes that Ghale is playing around, and he doesn't really approve.

    "I doubt we’ll take the time to attend any keraden banquets."

    You can probably remove the 'take the time to', as it's not very smooth. I don't know if I like how it sounds without it, though. =/

    “'You are dismissed, Ghalen,' he said without looking up. 'And when I say dismissed, I mean permanently.'

    Ghale placed one more item on the pile, then assumed a sullen expression."


    I'm not sure how to make it clear that he looks up after he's spoken, other than to come out and say it. But it does need to be said.

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