Title: Beyond the Horizon
Genre: Mystery/Romantic
As I near the turn in the corridor, my back against the white walls, my heart beating wildly in my chest, I can’t forget last night and the message that I saw. Crouching down and peeking to make sure all is safe, I turn back and signal to Tania to come. She runs towards me silently, her silver hair swishing with every step.
“Look, I know we’re not supposed to be here but I really need that book! I’m sorry if I—” I say, whispering but she covers my mouth with her hand suddenly, signalling that someone might be here. I switch off the flashlight and we both crouch down, listening to the sound of slow, heavy footsteps and our racing hearts.
A gruff, low voice then says, “I got it. Let’s get out of here.”
His partner, in an equally gruff voice adds, “Check to make sure we left nothing behind.” They then separate and footsteps begin to come closer to us. Trying to squeeze ourselves into a ball, I grab onto Tania’s hand and we try to be silent, not even letting our breaths make a sound. My mind races, thinking of where to run if he gets any closer. If we get up and run now, we might be able to make it to the second floor. Okay, God. It’s all up to You now.
Reacting on instinct, I grab Tania’s hand and run as fast as I can, praying we don’t get caught.
“He’s seen us!” she screams, and we zip through the old familiar hallways, running towards the light.
I get a fairly good sense of place and plot from the excerpt--nicely done. It's slightly overwritten; there are some good opportunities to tighten up your prose that'll make this read more urgently.
ReplyDeleteI like the tension of this scene. I can feel the effort to be silent right along with the girls! (Are they both girls?)
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple places where it needs tightening/to be cut down, like Nicole said. Some examples:
“Look, I know we’re not supposed to be here but I really need that book! I’m sorry if I—” I say, whispering but she covers my mouth with her hand suddenly, signalling that someone might be here. <= You can just say "she covers my mouth with her hand..." because the "I say, whispering" bit distracts from the action.
listening to the sound of slow, heavy footsteps and our racing hearts. <= This is weird to me. They can actually hear their hearts?
That kind of thing. Once you cut back on all those extra words, this will be a great! These are the kind of scenes that readers hold their breath while they read. Good luck!
Mystery is totally what u like to read and this hooked me. Didn't understand though, if why were they hiding we did they run? This may just be me, but I was confused.also maybe some extra words. Over all though I really liked it!
ReplyDeleteMelissa Ann
I meant "mystery is what I like..." sorry for typo:(
DeleteYou've got a great start here creating tension in this scene, which is clearly what you want! Good job.
ReplyDeleteSome things:
As I near the turn in the corridor, my back against the white walls, my heart beating wildly in my chest, I can’t forget last night and the message that I saw. Crouching down and peeking to make sure all is safe, I turn back and signal to Tania to come. She runs towards me silently, her silver hair swishing with every step.
Logic error: How can her back be "against" the wall if she is nearing the turn? You may mean that the walls are behind her, but this makes it sound like she's actually LEANING on them. Then when you get to "crouching down" it adds more confusion to her action.
It's "toward", not "towards." Unless you live in the UK. :)
And during this tense-and-scary moment, I don't think your protag would be paying attention to her friends's swishing hair. That description needs to go.
“Look, I know we’re not supposed to be here but I really need that book! I’m sorry if I—” I say,
Her dialogue feels out of place after the tension of the first paragraph. At this juncture, I should think her reason for being there has already been established. Here, it feels a little forced and puts a bit of a damper on the tension/forward motion.
I switch off the flashlight and we both crouch down, The protag is already crouching down, as per paragraph 1.
Trying to squeeze ourselves into a ball, I understand what you're trying to say here, but it comes off illogical because, really, we can't physically DO this. So maybe describe this in a less figurative way.
“He’s seen us!” she screams. You cannot scream words. If you want her to scream, have her scream first, then speak.
She screamed. "He's seen us!"
Though I'm not sure a scream is what you really want here. A gasp, maybe? A sudden grab of the protag's shoulder?
Good luck with this project!
Some really great points already raised here.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to focus on word choice and variety. When I'm editing a book, a lot of the changes that are made in the last rounds are to fix echos. You don't want to use the exact same words or phrasing over and over again, unless you're doing it with rhetorical intent. (If you look at entry #2, the repetition is meant to create emphasis and heighten tension.
You describe both menacing voices as "gruff." Can you find another word so it's not so repetitive?
Also be careful of those "then's" -- "A gruff, low voice then says;" "They then separate." Using "then" this way is a filler word. And it's slowing your pacing. Make every word count.
This just needs a bit of tightening. Great job, so far!
I liked the tension in this, and I agree with what everyone else is saying, for the most part. =)
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is a little clunky with the two -ing clauses. Maybe something tighter(taking out one of the "my"s), like "As I near the turn in the corridor, back against the white walls, my heart beats wildly in my chest and I can’t forget the message [I saw last night]." Hmm…but I think if she briefly thought about the contents of the message she can't forget(so we know why she can't forget it), rather than the message as an object, this would be more effective.
"Crouching down/crouch down", in both places mentioned, can simply be "Crouching/crouch", because you move down by nature of crouching. =)
In "She runs towards me silently, her silver hair swishing with every step." I think the "runs towards me silently" could be tighter as "She pads down the hallway(or wherever, depending on where she's running from)". That would also give me a better sense of positioning. And I do think she would notice Tania's swishing hair if it's unusually long, but if not, I'd cut it. If you keep it, you can get rid of the "her" for tightness, like "She pads down the hallway, silver hair swishing with every step." That gives me a really good picture of her. ^_^
I agree with Authoress on the dialogue telling Tania about her needing the book—it feels expository, because their motive for being here would have been established before this. Also, while I do think words can be screamed(sometimes), Tania's right next to her, and screaming would bring every goon in the area in on them. A gasp, a quick "He's seen us!" and hightailing it would be more logical, I think.
In "listening to the sound of slow, heavy footsteps and our racing hearts." I think you could get closer to her with some stronger verbs—evocative words that'll really put us there with her. Replacing "the sound of" (which is an indicator of telling) with a word describing what they sound like would do the trick. Something along the lines of "listening to the thuds/thumps of slow, heavy footsteps and the pounding of our racing hearts." though I question Tania's inclusion in this, as your MC wouldn't be able to hear Tania's heart to know if hers is pounding or not—MC only knows about her own.
I agree with Editor Alison on the repetitiveness of "gruff", and the "then'"s slowing the pace. Something easily fixed. =)
In "I grab onto Tania’s hand and we try to be silent, not even letting our breaths make a sound.", you can take out the "onto" for tightness. Also, the "we try to be silent, not even letting our breaths make a sound" is a bit telling, and would be more showing if you described how they're/she's doing this, without the "trying", because "trying" doesn't let me know if they succeed or not.
The "My mind races, thinking of where to run if he gets any closer." is shown by her thoughts, and so is a bit redundant. You can probably do without it.
In "Reacting on instinct, I grab Tania’s hand and run as fast as I can," she's thought about what she's going to do, so she's not reacting on instinct, she's acting on strategy. Also, she grabbed Tania's hand last paragraph, so this is unnecessary, but reiterating it, like"I hold fast to Tania's hand" might not be a bad idea for clarity's sake.
Good job, and good luck with this! Other than what I pointed out, it's pretty solid. =)