Saturday, March 17, 2012
LUCKY CRITIQUE ENTRY #2
Title: Substitute
Genre: Science Fiction (short story)
Some people have skeletons in their closet. Things they don’t want as public information, whether out of fear or shame. Things that shouldn’t have happened. Things that shouldn’t exist.
Some people have skeletons. The Senate of Eochatos has me.
“Claudia.” said a loud voice. I jerked my head up. The doctor stared at me, his glassy eyes shifting as he looked over me. He stroked his chin with one steel hand, “How is your emotional processing?”
“Just fine.” I said, smiling tightly as a grey-clad nurse approached with a syringe and two-inch needle.
She murmured, “This won’t hurt a bit.” and began to wipe the back of my hand with a sanitizing cloth.
The doctor leaned back against his silver chair, “Senator Drendle said you’ve had trouble sleeping lately.”
The needle sunk into my hand, sending a thin plastic tube into the vein. I watched out of the corner of my eye as blood filled the capsule on the table. “I guess.”
“You know, Claudia, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” he said, irritation bleeding into his tone, “That’s why we’re here, you know. To help you.” Because without us, you won’t be here. Without our help, you’ll fall to pieces.
“I’m tired of being treated like glass.” I said finally, pulling away from the nurse. The tube tugged against my hand, “I’m not going to break if I don’t come see you every week, Dr. Mallon. Besides, you’re the psychologist--it’s not good for people to be controlled this much, especially not at my age.”
“Not good for people.” he repeated, putting emphasis on the last word.
I clenched my jaw, “I am a person.” The nurse silently pulled out the tube and threw the needle aside, capping the vial of blood.
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I think in the last paragraph, you mean she's saying "I am a person," but as it is, he's saying it.
ReplyDeleteI really like this entry. Love the whole am-I-a-person-if-I'm-not-a-person conflict introduced. I did have a bit of a problem with house the nurse and doctor were treating her, because it didn't seem consistent. She didn't seem to be treated like glass as she points out. The doctor is very compassionate at first, but he quickly turns to biting as he reminds her she's not a person. It just seems like a big jump.
Pretty sure that was my bad, with the formatting of the post. I fixed it to make it clearer.
DeleteThis has a delightfully creep-tastic feel to it. :-)
ReplyDeleteI understand what you're trying to do with your opening (I'm assuming this is the opening page), but in its current state it feels overdone and almost melodramatic. Most people already know what the phrase "skeletons in your closet" means, so you really don't need to spend all that time explaining what it means. In fact, you might not need any explanation at all.
Maybe just,
Some people have skeletons in their closet. The Senate of Eochatos has me, instead.
(Or something. It just needs to be less wordy.)
You've got quite a bit of basic punctuation error going on in this piece, so you may want to brush up on that. Here are some examples:
“Claudia.” said a loud voice.
The period should be a comma. "Claudia," said a loud voice.
The doctor leaned back against his silver chair, “Senator Drendle said you’ve had trouble sleeping lately.”
The comma should be a period. The doctor leaned back against his silver chair. "Senator Drendle said you've had trouble sleeping lately."
“You know, Claudia, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” he said, irritation bleeding into his tone,
The period should be a comma and the comma at the end should be a period.
“You know, Claudia, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” he said, irritation bleeding into his tone.
Also: The past tense of SINK is SANK, not SUNK:
The needle sunk into my hand
The needle SANK into my hand.
So basically, you need to do lots of clean-up work here. I love the setting, and the potential for what's going to be revealed about your protagonist. But you've got some "basic training" to go through here. Periods and commas and verbs are all very important! :-)
Good work and good luck with this project!
This is very intriguing! I love the beginning where she compares herself to the skeletons in peoples' closets. I'm not sure where the luck comes in with this, but still, I'm left wondering why she's a secret, and WHAT she is, for that matter.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Taryn that the jump from the Dr.'s apparent kindness to his irritation, and him saying she isn't a person, was a bit on the jarring side.
I love those first few lines, but I agree with Authoress that they can be shortened up. My recommendation would be:
ReplyDelete"Some people have skeletons in their closet. Things that shouldn’t have happened. Things that shouldn’t exist.
Some people have skeletons. The Senate of Eochatos has me."
You might even be able to cut the 'things that shouldn't...' etc. although I think those bits keep those first lines from being too abrupt.
Glassy eyes... Steel hand... Is the therapist a robot, or a cyborg? o.o
"sending a thin plastic tube into the vein." <- that line confused me a bit as I tried to picture it. By tube, do you mean the tube was attached to the needle, or did a little tube actually burrow into her vein (o.O) or... *shrug* Just can't picture it exactly.
I also agree that the transition from compassionate to reprimanding was a bit quick. Maybe if they treat her less like a person from the beginning. Like, unless the nurse is supposed to be more compassionate than the doctor, I'd cut the line where she says it won't hurt a bit (if she IS supposed to be more kind, leave it in, but...?).
All in all, nice job! A great start, and I'm interested to see why they're keeping Claudia secret. Also I'm curious about the doctor, because now my brain has latched onto the idea that Claudia is the only flesh-and-blood person in a world of robots, which is why they've kept her secret. XD But that's probably just me...
Keep writin'! ;)
I agree that this is delightfully creepy. I'm definitely intrigued and would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I entirely agree with Authoress on the opening. Most people do know what "skeletons in the closet" means, but I think by teasing this out you're creating great tension that sucks the reader in.
I'd suggest a few things to strengthen the opening, though. I'd cut the second clause of your second sentence. In the third sentence, I'd suggest changing "shouldn't" to "should never." It's a stronger statement. I also think you need a real break between "The Senate of Eochatos has me" and your next passage. This just might be a result of the formatting of the post.
I do agree that the doctor's shift in behavior is at odds with Claudia's statement that she's being treated like glass. I wonder if it might be wise to rethink the doctor's approach to Claudia overall. This is a very clinical scene, and while Claudia insists that she's a person and acts very much like one, I suspect that she's some sort of experiment. Contrasting her very human-like behavior - anger, discomfort, etc. - with a very emotionless, scientific approach from those around her, could have a really powerful effect.
I agree with Authoress about the wordiness of the beginning, and the doctor does seem to shift in his emotion. Your MC says that she feels she's being treated like glass, but I don't feel like this scene shows that as well as it could. If you could develop her emotions more, it would give this scene more edge. But I do like the creepiness. I think you have something here, it just needs more punch to it. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing! I enjoyed this(I feel like this is a first 300 words, rather than a luck-changing 300 words, but it's still good =D), and I mostly agree with what everyone else is saying about the inconsistency of the psychologist's treatment of her. And Authoress covered the punctuation/grammar errors.
ReplyDeleteHmm…like Editor Alison(I agree with her on all counts, haha), I liked the first paragraphs about skeletons in the closet: they drew me into the story quite nicely. I liked them because the explanation isn't so much a matter of letting people know what "skeletons in the closet" means(because most people do), but of drawing out the explanation in the character's voice—it adds intrigue. Just my thoughts on it. =)
In "The doctor stared at me, his glassy eyes shifting as he looked over me.", taking out the "at me" and flipping the "over" and "me", like, "The doctor stared, his glassy eyes shifting as he looked me over." seems a bit closer in perspective.
The "thin plastic tube into the vein" confused me as well, because only the needle is supposed to go in—tubes being too big—and it sounds like the tube is actually in her vein. Unless, this being SF, the tube is actually that thin, but I don't really see a reason for it needing to be in her vein—just a needle would get the job done.
In "I watched out of the corner of my eye as blood filled the capsule on the table." the "I watched" can be taken out for a closer, tighter description. Like, "Out of the corner of my eye, blood filled the capsule on the table."
For me, the "bleeding" in "he said, irritation bleeding into his tone" is a bit repetitive, with her blood being drawn and all.
In "'Not good for people,' he repeated, putting emphasis on the last word." you could actually put emphasis on the last word, in the form of italics, and take out the rest of the tag—it would be a bit more showing, I think.
Good job, and good luck with this! I really liked the creepiness. ^_^