TITLE: Extraction
GENRE: YA Sci-fi
I sink to my knees and scoot back from the edge as far as I can, gritting my teeth and trying not to think about slipping. I am too high, too high, too high.
A loud whirring arises in the streets below me. From around a corner, a round silver contraption lifts into the air, its rotors spinning a cloud of dust. A flight pod, come to rescue me.
Only, no way is it really for rescuing. I'm going to need a clever story.
As the pod nears my beam, my throat tightens. The chances of them letting me into the Core, letting me grow old and live to save Logan are next-to-nothing now. Why did I do this? I should have found some other way to escape the boys, not started climbing a restricted building.
A door slides open, and an official reaches his hand out. “You'll have to jump,” he shouts over the loud rotors.
Act. Innocent, I tell myself. That's the only thing that might help me.
I jump with a cry into the pod and stumble when my feet hit the metal floor. The patrol catches me as the door slides shut, silencing the wind's roar.
Hands release me, and my legs give out.
“I'm s-s-sorry,” I fake-sob. “I didn't mean to c-c-climb!”
“It's all right.” The official drops to a knee beside me. “We're going to catch the kids who were chasing you.”
Shaking from the cold, breathing unsteadily, I stare at him.
His eyes are narrowed, but not in the way I am used to. Like he's on my side, all of a sudden. Still programmed to harm, but this time it won't be me. This time, it will be for me.
I don’t know how I ever got so lucky.
Ooh, I'm intrigued! I'd really like to know what circumstances brought her here...
ReplyDeleteIn paragraph 3, the word of the first sentence feels a little awkward to me, but that might just be my stylistic preferences. I like how you're taking us through her thoughts as this is going on—it gives us a good picture of how she feels.
With paragraph 4, in the last sentence, I'm not sure that "escape" is necessarily the right word—I've always heard it used intransitively, so maybe just a slight tweak like "to help the boys escape"?
I'm really fascinated by this patrol official, the MC, and their world. Good job with this!
I like this voice, and I like the tension. I felt fairly grounded, considering I was just dropped into the middle of a scene without knowing what's going on.
ReplyDeleteCouple of things:
Only, no way is it really for rescuing. I'm going to need a clever story.
This is confusing. Though, I'm guessing it will make more sense in the context of the whole story. I get the idea a few paragraphs later that the protag expects the pod to be harmful.
“I'm s-s-sorry,” I fake-sob. “I didn't mean to c-c-climb!”
I know what you're trying to do here, but it comes off really awkward. I would take out the repeated consonants and just use a strong dialogue tag or a beat to let us know she's pretending to sob.
Shaking from the cold, breathing unsteadily, I stare at him.
Too wordy. You don't need 2 gerund phrases here to set the mood of your protag's stare.
Even, simply, "I stare at him." may be all you need here. Sometimes less is more.
GOOD WORK! And good luck with this project.
I'm totally intrigued by this! I'd love to know who Logan is, what she's doing up on a beam, why she needs to rescue him... so many questions! Love also how this guy is programmed to hurt, but it won't be her this time. She really did get lucky!
ReplyDeleteI second what Authoress said, and Rachel, too, for the most part.
Good job with this!
Coming into a scene in the middle of a story line and being able to understand what's happening without explanation is rare, and I was able to do that with your excerpt, so that's great!
ReplyDeleteYou've done an excellent job of conveying tension throughout this passage: in your protagonist's fear over the height; in the danger that comes with this rescue by potentially hostile forces; why she was racing from the boys. (I'd love to read more about this. It's very intriguing.)
A couple of things to watch:
Be careful of voice. There are a couple places where it breaks and sounds a bit young. "Only, no way is it really for rescuing" and the stuttering epitomize this for me. You want to watch this because it detracts from the feeling of being in the scene, tagging along with the action.
I'd also take a look at that second to last paragraph. There's something a bit awkward about it. Perhaps I'm just lacking a little background that would make the statements more meaningful. Still, make sure your reader understands why the patrolman's actions are so significant. Do you need this sentence: "Like he's on my side, all of a sudden?" To me, this implies a history that doesn't exist. Or does it? Make sure we're on the same page as you.
Great job, overall.
"A loud whirring arises in the streets below me" Rises from the streets below, perhaps?
ReplyDelete"As the pod nears my beam, my throat tightens. The chances of them letting me into the Core, letting me grow old and live to save Logan are next-to-nothing now. Why did I do this? I should have found some other way to escape the boys, not started climbing a restricted building."
Ok. There is a very, very good chance that it's just me. But one of my pet-peeves is when characters start blatantly bemoaning their situation. I fall into it too, so I understand the difficulties. But is there a way to incorporate this without wailing questions at the sky/reader?
Ex. "As the pod nears my beam, my throat tightens. The rotors slice slice any chance of them letting me into the Core - letting me grow old, and live to save Logan - to shreds."
Or something. XD
I have decided that his rescuer is her love interest, no matter WHAT your original plans were. I ship the two with great enthusiasm, despite not knowing their names, or anything significant about them. *waves banner reading "??? <3 ??? 4-EVAH"*
Very good, very intriguing. And as you may have noticed, I enjoy the pairing that I can only desperately hope is approaching. ;]
Keep writin'! ^^
The tension is good, but it could be tightened in a couple places. I agree with what everyone else is saying so far.
ReplyDeleteIf you took out the "I am" in "I am too high, too high too high," it'd make the perspective closer, more in her head.
The "Only, no way is it really for rescuing." really breaks me out of the reading. It doesn't play nice with the other kids. ^_~* It might work alright without the "Only", but I think you can just delete this and have her say she needs a clever story—that shows more.
I agree with Silent about the "A loud whirring arises from the streets below me" sounding a bit better and closer as "A loud whirring rises from the streets below." I also agree about the bemoaning her situation being a bit telling. I like her example if it fits the voice. =)
In "he shouts over the loud rotors", "loud" is a little redundant since we know he needs to shout to be heard over them.
In "Act. Innocent, I tell myself.", "I tell myself" can be cut for a closer perspective. Also, it might just be me, but the firm, making each word a sentence isn't very convincing for acting. Assuming the role might help her more, like "I am innocent.", but then you'd need the tag of telling herself. *shrugs*
About the stuttering being awkward: it's hard to stutter three consonants like that(especially the hard C), and comes across inauthentic(she seems like she's prepared to make it sound authentic, which is why I question it). Maybe only one, like "I'm s-sorry".
"Shaking from the cold, breathing unsteadily, I stare at him." could, like Authoress said, simply be "I stare at him.", or "Shivering, I stare at him."
Good job, and good luck with this! =)
@SP — Seeing the word "programmed"…I'm pretty sure he's a robot. Things aren't looking good for ???'s & ???'s relationship.
So I just about agree with everything Silent Pages and Renée said. Though I do think the 'c-c-climb' stutter could work—I might take out one of the repeats, b/c 'c-climb' gets it across just as well and is less awkward to read. I think that's all I have to say—everything else that stood out to me has been covered. =) Good excerpt! ^_^
ReplyDelete