TITLE: A Gamble
GENRE: Fantasy
Only three Blots landed purple side up. Famiem huddled closer to the back of the Drawn's wagon, her shackles clinking.
Raylen took a deep breath, and slid the Blots toward her competitor.
Bad toss, that was. Pity. The trader smirked as he shook the flat disks. Purple and green flashed between his fingers, whirling and clashing but never escaping his grip.
He's experienced. Raylen gritted her teeth. But only luck matters here.
So said the Drawn, who watched impassively at the side of the board, gauging and measuring and weighing, as always. The youngest fidgeted.
With a flourish, the trader spun the Blots onto the board. Half spun straight into the dust, yet more than three greens remained. Raylen's mind stalled.
What does that mean?
Her heartbeat quickened, the trader swore, and the oldest of the Drawn shook his head.
"Poor luck. Very poor luck," he said slowly. A pause as he regarded Raylen, then Famiem. "The girl has freed herself. But she must bet that freedom back again to win her sister."
Hardly a daring wager; she'd already staked her life on the Blots to catch the Drawn's interest.
Raylen scratched her wrists. She shook the Blots. Then her eyes closed - dropped them onto the board and jammed her fists into her armpits, waiting.
"Lucky girl," the old Drawn said. Respect laced his voice. "A perfect win."
Raylen opened her eyes. Purple stared up from every Blot.
And the youngest Drawn stared hard at her from across the board. Here came the real gamble.
The boy slowly cleared the board as the other Drawn ran off the "luckless" trader and removed Famiem's shackles.
He didn't say a word about the pouches strapped inside Raylen's sleeves, or the purple paint coating both sides of the disks.
Raylen had been lucky.
You've definitely captured the tenseness of the gamble here!
ReplyDeleteOverall, this needs to be tightened -- fewer words to pack a better punch and make the tension crackle.
Examples:
So said the Drawn, who watched impassively at the side of the board, gauging and measuring and weighing, as always. The youngest fidgeted.
I would delete the above paragraph. It's rambly and it slows down the forward motion. Read your excerpt without it and you'll see what I mean.
"Poor luck. Very poor luck," he said slowly. A pause as he regarded Raylen, then Famiem. "The girl has freed herself. But she must bet that freedom back again to win her sister."
The dialogue here feels a bit clunky, and the beat a bit too slow. Try, maybe:
"Poor luck. Very poor luck." He regarded Raylen, then Famiem. "The girl is free. But she must bet that freedom back again to win her sister."
Then her eyes closed - dropped them onto the board and jammed her fists into her armpits, waiting.
Incorrect antecedent for the pronoun "them" -- sounds like she's dropping her eyes onto the board! ;-P Potential rewrite of this sentence:
She closed her eyes, then dropped the Blots onto the board and jammed her fists into her armpits, waiting.
Overall, you've captured a good fantasy "feel" here (I adore fantasy!). I would encourage you to eyeball your word with the intent to cut out extraneous words and sentences, to make your writing snappier. Also, it is helpful to read dialogue out loud to determine whether or not it feels natural, so I'd encourage you to do that as well.
Good work, and good luck with this project!
Aside from being very confused about what "Blots" are, and how exactly the whole Blot system works, you've got some good tension in this scene! I do agree with Authoress that you could probably cut down the wordiness, and re-arrange some of the sentences so it's clearer what you're trying to say.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'd better appreciate this if I knew the story. This certainly is a lucky scene! Good work! =)
There's some really lovely content here. The tension of the gambling is wonderful. I loved your little twist at the end.
ReplyDeleteAuthoress points out some great places where you can tighten.
I want to take a look at this paragraph to make some further suggestions:
"Bad toss, that was. Pity. The trader smirked as he shook the flat disks. Purple and green flashed between his fingers, whirling and clashing but never escaping his grip."
The construction of the first sentence is awkward. And it sounds a bit like Yoda. Not what you want when someone's reading YOUR fantasy. Do you need the second half? I can't tell if it's your protagonist thinking or the trader speaking. If it's the former, it should be italicized, and I'd cut the next sentence. If the latter, this sentence and the next should be in quotation marks.
I'd suggest cutting everything after fingers. You have good imagery here. This adjustment will keep that weight of this moment, without slowing the pace.
Just keep an eye to tightening this overall, and you'll be well on your way. Good luck!
This intrigues me--a lot. I really like the setting, and I'd love to know what's going on that has led to these circumstances for Famiem and Raylen. I don't really have any specific comments, except to reiterate what the others have said...although, and probably other (more experienced) writers would disagree with me because of the potential for info-dump-yness, I'd love to know more about the Blot system from the beginning. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe Blots thing confused me. I mean, I get it, but I kind of…don't…get it. O_o I'm not sure EXACTLY what I'm supposed to be picturing, and that may be because this says the genre is fantasy, but the excerpt sounds sci-fi. I think that's it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, the main thing that stood out to me was sentence length. There are a couple instances where sentences right next to each other had near-exactly the same length, which made the rhythm monotone and encouraged me to skim, so I had to go back and reread. Maybe read it out loud, to see where you feel the rhythm could be varied?
Anyway, I would keep reading, to figure out what's going on, haha. What it means, where it's going, etc. So…interest piqued! Good job. =)