Saturday, March 17, 2012
LUCKY CRITIQUE ENTRY #4
Title: We've all Been There
Genre: YA
“We are here today with rising country pop singer, Juliet Summer.”
This was it. I fingered my purity ring willing it to give me luck. It was St. Patrick’s day after all.
“Please my friends just call me Tex.” I inwardly cringed at the word friends; they weren’t what-you-might-call plentiful.
“Where does that come from?” The audience laughed, I couldn’t really see what was so funny about it.
“It’s my middle name.” My slight twang seemed magnified against my host’s culturally neutral drawl.
“Alright Tex.” She specially put a cowboy sound on it. It sounded so fake it was sick. “Do you know who Timothy Walters?” And then smiled like I should know, like everyone knew, but I didn’t.
“No.”
“Really? Well you can meet him now.”
“Okay.” I stood up and turned my head toward the entrance I came in.
In walked in T.W. the famous, like really famous singer, who hadn’t heard of him? And I had just said I never had. So much for luck. I had never really believed in luck before. I knew God orchestrated all those details. So more likely it had been bad luck for me to believe in luck.
“Tim I would like you to meet Tex.”
“Hi.” I shook his hand, blood creeping up my face.
He sat down next to me on the couch and I was sweating bullets.
“I think I have heard of you before. I mean I just didn’t recognize your full name. Sorry.” I didn’t know to whom or why I was apologizing. It was just something I had to do.
“We’ve all been there.” He laughed at my stupid, naïve mistake.
Before I could respond, I heard, “And we will be right back with more from Tex and T.W. after this.” And we went to break.
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I got a sense of place from your writing, which is great. There are some things I didn't get, though--like your line about "word friends." Not sure if this has something to do with misplaced or missing punctuation (there are some punctuation issues throughout) that influence context.
ReplyDeleteI like how you convey Tex's nerves. I felt anxious for her, up in front of people like that, and then when the singer comes in, I felt the 'crap!' moment with her.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few punctuation errors throughout, and some places where your wording is a touch clunky. Like: "He sat down next to me on the couch and I was sweating bullets." <= This could be two sentences, or one, more fluid sentence with the help of a comma.
That kind of thing.
Good luck with this!
You've done a good job of grounding the scene, as it was very easy for me to slip right in and understand what was going on. Good job!
ReplyDeleteOverall, the dialogue tends to be a bit clunky and unnatural. Read it out loud to help pick out those places that just aren't working.
Some other things:
MISSING COMMAS:
This was it. I fingered my purity ring willing it to give me luck. It was St. Patrick’s day after all.
Correct:
This was it. I fingered my purity ring, willing it to give me luck. It was St. Patrick’s day, after all.
PUNCTUATION:
“Please my friends just call me Tex.” I inwardly cringed at the word friends; they weren’t what-you-might-call plentiful.“
"Please. My friends just call me Tex." I inwardly cringed at the word 'friends'; they weren't what you might call plentiful.
WORD CHOICE:
my host’s culturally neutral drawl.
If it's neutral, it's not a "drawl." "Drawl" connotes a Southern or Texan accent, which is not what you're trying to describe here. "Accent" is probably a better word.
Also, it felt awkward when she tried to explain -- on camera! -- to T.W. why she hadn't recognized him. It might be better for her to have an internal struggle rather than try to explain herself to him. (I mean, I'd be DYING inside and probably wouldn't be able to choke words out, yanno?)
So, takeaway is this: Clunky dialogue and more care with punctuation. Good luck with this project!
Really lovely job of crafting a horribly awkward moment.
ReplyDeleteAs an editor, a lot of the mechanical stuff comes a little later in the process. I think the other comments point to very important areas you should be conscious of, though. Word choice, punctuation, and grammar are the building blocks of your writing, and it can only help you to always be working on improving these in your writing.
Instead of focusing on mechanics, though, I want to look to the meat of your story. I'm not sure that I buy your set up. Tex is a rising pop star, but she's treated by her interviewer as a bit of a fan girl. That just doesn't read right to me.
You start off well - with probing into the nickname. Nicely handled. But then with the interviewer's exaggeration of the southern accent, I feel like she's making fun of Tex. Yet, there doesn't seem to be any provocation for that. And the introduction of T.W. just seems to continue that pattern. I don't understand why the interviewer would want to make Tex uncomfortable, and that's making it hard for me to understand what you're doing with this scene.
I think you're trying to capture how awkward Tex feels being in the limelight when she just feels like the same person she always was, but it's not quite reading that way. The way characters interact is just as important as dialogue or setting in creating your scene. You might want to take a look at this again. Are your interactions believable? What are you trying to accomplish with them?
Good job so far! Good luck.