TITLE: OBLIVIOUS
GENRE: Thriller
Everything blurred no matter how much she blinked.
Robert Benning answered the front door almost the moment she knocked. This was fate, unadulterated, and she hated it. The timing couldn’t be explained away, and that ruined everything. She took in his eyes and the soft wrinkles around them as best she could. She had missed so much.
“Rebecca’s alive.”
Benning dropped his glass of wine at the words, the goblet sending shards across the entryway. Any inkling of inebriation evaporated, and track marks she didn’t remember were prominent on his arms. The wine at his feet looked like drops of blood. “Is she okay?”
She shifted on his porch steps, the last place she wanted to be. Her knuckles whitened as she fought to see clearly. His features blurred again for a moment. “No.”
“Where is she?” He stretched to look behind her, but there was no one else in the street that was speckled with dim globe lamps. She wondered what he remembered. Trusting his memories was always a gamble; they were fragmented at best, everyone knew.
“Hell.” Drowning in the raw fear in his eyes, she plunged the knife into him without another word; it was easier that way. She watched his spiked blood slip through the spaces his fingers left unguarded. The colors ran together until she wiped her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
I really like the last line. Is this girl killing her dad? Why? Such a good question! Such a good way to hook me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think this segment has a lot of potential. There is some awesome attention to detail.
However, there are a few things I feel don't entirely make sense. First off, I don't see how someone answering the door right away is fate. It could be because the house is huge and the odds of him being near the door are small, but in my apartment, I can get to the door before a person knocks a second time. That's not fate. That's a small apartment.
I like the second paragraph. Benning dropping the wine glass shows how truly shocked he is at the words. But if this Rebecca was thought to be dead and someone told me she was alive, my first thought would not be "Is she okay." It would be "Why? How? What? You're lying." Something like that.
Also in the paragraph that begins with "Hell" you say "spiked blood". I'm not sure what you mean by that.
As I said, this section has lots of potential and I would read on. I want to know who Rebecca is and why this girl is killing her father (if indeed that is what is happening).
Your writing is strong but you might have to work on your character's likeability. We HAVE to like your main character in some way and you are starting out by getting her to kill her father. If this excerpt follows with a long explanation of why he deserves it, you might be okay. If it does not, you are going to have trouble getting readers to sympathise with the character. It certainly wouldn't hurt to add a little bit more insight into what she is thinking before she kills him. And if this action is your inciting incident, you might want to add a whole chapter (or two) before it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Wow...a lot of really interesting things going on here! Overall, a very exciting beginning, but I think some of the language could be tweaked a little -- "inkling of inebriation" seems a bit formal, for example, and "spiked blood" confusing. But a great start!
ReplyDeleteI was hooked by the end of the page, but I was a bit confused too.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence didn't flow well with the next para. Why were her eyes blurry? Fate has nothing to do with door opening. And why could the timing not be explained? Didn't she make a decision to go there?
“Rebecca’s alive.” (At first I thought Benning said this to someone behind him, to announce her arrival.)
Let us in on what she's seeing, smelling, feeling. For example, let us smell the alcohol on Benning, see his surroundings, and feel what she felt upon seeing him. Just give enough info for the reader to know the MC, to connect with her at least a little.
Stabbing her own father was a shock, but it hooked me too. I want to know why. However, I have to connect with the MC and understand her reasons for killing him or I'll not be hooked for long.
I'm hooked. I liked this a lot. The writing is strong and clean, and you start with an action scene with tension and suspense.
ReplyDeleteIf this is a prologue, I'd leave it as it is. If not, I'd suggest perhaps naming 'she,' if she is your MC. Knowing her name helps the reader connect.
In the following sentence - Any inkling of inebriation evaporated, and track marks she didn’t remember were prominent on his arms - the first clause has no relation to the second, so it reads awkwardly. Perhaps make that two sentences.
The wine at his feet looked like drops of blood. -- Perhaps find a stronger verb than 'looked' A small thing, but because the writing is already strong, the weak verbs stand out.
He stretched to look behind her, but there was no one else in the street that was speckled with dim globe lamps. -- This seems to be a slip into his POV instead of hers.
Overall, very nicely done!
Overall I like the way this comes together. It made me curious and I would certainly read on.
ReplyDeleteA few things . . .
Consider tightening your dialogue—you have separated the spoken thoughts with a good bit of narration, which made me lose track of who was saying what.
As was mentioned earlier—I didn't actually catch that she was drinking until I landed on "inebriated." Perhaps stating that outright would help clarify?
Also, allowing us to see and hear and smell the place will establish a good feel for where your characters are at—physically. Let us be there with them.
LOVED the close—love that there was this dramatic action. It left me feeling shocked, needing to know what happens next!
Your writing is strong and I look forward to more!
The first and last lines of this are killer. Love it!
ReplyDeleteOverall, I know this is an emotionally-charged scene but the tension is a bit bumpy for me. Streamlining your prose will give this more emotional impact, I think.
Consider tightening the 'sight' references, for instance. First her eyesight blurs with tears, then she sees the details of wrinkles around his eyes, then she fights to see clearly, then she drowns in the raw fear she sees in his eyes.
That push-me-pull-me of details makes for uneven reading and makes the tension rise and fall, then rise and fall. Pay attention to how each sentence builds on the other to heighten the tension to your ultimate climax--the stabbing. The money shot!
Hope that makes sense. All the elements are there, though, and I think your details are delicious. :-)
I was a bit confused as to what the first paragraph had to do with the rest of the story. It doesn't seem to belong.
ReplyDeleteThe passage "He stretched to look behind her, but there was no one else in the street that was speckled with dim globe lamps" seemed to move into his POV. How about saying "She could see him looking behind her, but she knew that there was no one else in the street"?
Also, the word "inebriation" is one I've never come accross before and I had to look it up in the dictionary. It could just be me, but some readers might also stumble over the word. Perhaps you could think about using a different word in its place?
And lastly, and observation: after the girl stabs Robert, we see the blood seep through his fingers, but we don't see him clutch his chest where she stabbed him. Although most people would probably understand that he has grabbed his chest, you could add it in.
I would keep reading.
I recognize this. :) And it's cleaner, tighter now.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the first paragraph would be clearer if you took out the 2nd and 3rd sentences? To wit:
Robert Benning answered the front door almost the moment she knocked. She took in his eyes and the soft wrinkles around them as best she could. She had missed so much.
See how much sharper that sounds?
Also:
Her knuckles whitened as she fought to see clearly. This is a POV problem. She is struggling to see clearly and I'm sure she's not looking at her knuckles right now.
I know your premise, so I understand she's not the main character, so we don't have to like her. I think you've done a lot of work on this opening since the last time I saw it, and it's much better!
I'm torn. Your voice is good but it's really hard for me to enjoy reading about a murderess from her POV. Hopefully, the next chapter is about a character I can identify with. I'd read some more.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot to hook here, but I think you'll need to hint at the character's internal struggle. If she HAS to kill her dad to save Rebecca, we need a small mention of her torn feelings. Right now, it comes off as her being crazy instead of forced/calculated.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if she's stuggling with her vision, you may want to show the struggle to "take in his soft wrinkles," otherwise, it sounded as if she'd regained her vision at that point.
Good work.