Title: A Battle For Royalty
Genre: Fiction
Why did I ever want to go for a walk? Tasha’s thoughts pounded in her mind like the pouring rain that drenched her and made her shiver with cold. She had been exploring deep in the woods when a sudden downpour had caught her frolicking in the forest. The rain now pelted her face and hands; grey mist blurred her vision as she tried to navigate her way home.
A flash of lightning lit up the ground in front of Tasha, illuminating a shivering, dripping object that whimpered in fear. Tasha stopped, afraid to move until she knew what the creature might be and whether or not it proved dangerous.
The clouds covering the sky made it difficult to see anything in the already dimming light of evening; Tasha narrowed her eyes, scanning the ground in front of her. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she slowly began to see the creature, and waves of curiosity and excitement swept across her face. At first glance, it appeared to be a large, wet lizard, but as she looked closer, it seemed in some way more dragon-like, with scales and wings and a long pointed tail. Tasha loved dragon-kind, but at thirteen years old, she knew they didn’t exist. Still, the creature that lay huddled in a ball on the ground before Tasha, could only be explained as a dragon.
But could it really be possible? Tasha wondered.
I like your opening, how it starts with the storm. Just a couple things.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the line "Tasha's thoughts pounded in her mind like the pouring rain that drenched her and made her shiver with cold" could be broken up, and the shiver could be separate. Also, 'pouring' rain isn't necessary since it's drenching her. That's a bit overwritten.
I love dragons so I'd read on to find out what happens to the dragon, but other than the dragon there isn't much else going for us other than she's caught out in a storm. I feel like I almost want Tasha to be more fearful in this moment so that you can't tear your eyes away until the bit about the dragon, and then that's just an extra hook, know what I mean?
Other than some nitpicky stuff I like this, because I love dragons. I'd have to say I'm hooked for the dragon alone. ;)
I agree with Lizzy that I'm a fan of dragons, so that's always a plus! However, I feel a little misplaced. Are we in a fantastical land? Or our own? Since she thinks dragons don't exist, it could be either way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I try to avoid the past perfect tense in openings, because all the "had"s can bog down the reader. There is probably a better way to explain why she's in the woods, even if that explanation is necessary. Also you say "She had been exploring deep in the woods when a sudden downpour had caught her frolicking in the forest." So in the first half of the sentence you say she's deep in the woods and then in the second half you reiterate it by saying she's in the forest. You could just end the sentence at frolicking. If she's in the woods, where else could she be frolicking?
Also this sentence: "...and waves of curiosity and excitement swept across her face." Since Tasha is the MC, we're kind of traveling in her head. (It's third person so its not as up close and personal as first, but we're still traveling with Tasha). I think I would like it better if you said the curiosity and excitement swept through her, so I can feel what its like to be Tasha. She can't see what sweeps across her own face.
I love dragons, and I'm definitely interested to see where this is going. Especially since it seems to be a girl who is like rediscovering dragons. I would read on.
Interesting! I would also like to hear more about the dragon upfront. You set up the scene well, but the conflict or hook of the story could probably be introduced sooner. Maybe a little less on the weather, and more on why the dragon is actually there? You have a good handle on description -- now use that to describe the problem.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by the title of your piece,and think there is some great potential here. Good luck moving forward!
I thought you did the description pretty well, although you may have gone a tad overboard with the weather. Set the scene and then move on, and when you need to mention weather again, include it as part of something else. For instance, when she reaches for the dragon, you could say something like she brushed her dripping hair from her face, and reached for the dragon, or she shivered as rain dripped down her back.
ReplyDeleteI wondered why she was in the forest in the first place. You say she is exploring, but you don't say for what. It seems she's just there to find the dragon. Perhaps give her a specific reason to be there that is in some way relevant to the plot.
And your dragon is definitely your hook, so perhaps get to it sooner. This will be easy enough if you trim the weather description.
Keep at it!
I love the action and the build up—there is a lot of activity. Good job.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph, consider cutting your sentences up a bit.
IE: "Tasha’s thoughts pounded in her mind like the pouring rain. She was drenching and shivering, the sudden downpour caught her exploring deep in the woods . . ."
As the reader, we are watching things happen to Tasha, rather than experiencing them with her, inside her head . . . watch for places where you might be describing Tasha to herself—she probably would not describe herself feeling the emotions she expresses.
Lastly, as has already been said, consider letting us stumble across the dragon with Tasha a little sooner.
Overall, you have the makings of an awesome story. Good job and keep writing!
Agree with everyone above. I'd also add that you might want to tone down or move the description of the weather (perhaps to after her thoughts). Starting a story with weather is usually on the list of No's.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions are below. :)
ReplyDeleteTasha’s thoughts pounded in her mind. She had been exploring deep in the woods when a downpour caught her frolicking in the forest. The rain pelted her face and hands; gray mist blurred her vision as she struggled to navigate her way home.
The lightning was like a flashlight on the ground in front of her, illuminating a shivering, dripping object that whimpered in fear. Tasha was afraid to move until she knew what the creature might be and whether or not it proved dangerous.
The clouds covering the sky made it difficult to see anything in the dimming light of evening; Tasha narrowed her eyes. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she gradually began to see the creature, and waves of curiosity and excitement swept across her face. At first glance, it appeared to be a large, wet lizard, but as she looked closer, it seemed in some way more dragon-like, with scales and wings and a long pointed tail. Tasha loved dragon-kind, but at thirteen years old, she knew they didn’t exist. Still, the creature that lay huddled in a ball on the ground before Tasha, could only be explained as a dragon.
I think you did a good job setting the mood. I also think you described the setting very well. You also did a nice job with giving the reader information without spelling it out.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else that the description of the weather was a little over-done. In the second sentence, the comparison of pounding thoughts with pouring rain didn't quite work for me: rain doesn't really pound if it's pouring. I think this comparison could work if you just took out "pouring." I'd also suggest re-thinking your word choice with "frolicking." To me, this word doesn't really work here; it sounds too dramatic or affected.
In the third paragraph, I'd consider changing "Tasha loved dragon-kind" to "Tasha loved dragons". Also, you say that Tasha knows dragons don't exist, but then she jumps to the conclusion that the animal she's found can "only be explained as a dragon." This seems like a pretty big leap, especially since she's having difficulty seeing due to the mist and darkness. In that situation, I think it'd be far more likely for her to question whether it was a lizard rather than immediately jumping to the conclusion that it was a dragon. To introduce the idea of a dragon, you could have her thinking wishfully that it was a dragon before dismissing the idea.
Also, due to the fact that it's whimpering in fear and on the ground in front of her (and because it's the size of a large lizard), I assumed that it was a baby dragon. However, baby dragons generally aren't portrayed with functioning wings. I think you should try to make the size of the dragon clearer.
I think you could probably polish this a bit more, but I would still read on.
Too much weather. Would love more tension in discovering the dragon, drawing that moment of discovery out. There's a lot that could be taking place inside her at that moment and I'd love to hear a bit more and in doing so, I'd be wondering what it is she is discovering.
ReplyDeleteI love dragons too.
I love dragons!
ReplyDeleteNice setting. You've got some overwriting and some point-of-view (POV) issues that can be easily fixed.
Thoughts:
1. Why did I ever want to go for a walk? This should be on a line by itself.
2. Tasha’s thoughts pounded in her mind like the pouring rain that drenched her and made her shiver with cold. I'm not going to dissect each one of your sentences, but let's look at this one to see how we can tighten it. It's a good analogy, thoughts pounding like rain. But can we make it cleaner, less wordy? Try:
The thought pounded like the rain that drenched her and made her shiver with cold.
We can eliminate "in her mind" because that's where all thoughts are; we don't need to say it. We also don't need "pouring," because if the rain is drenching her, then we know it's a heavy rain.
See where I'm going with all that? That's the thought process you should use as you go through your writing to make it tighter. Be careful to avoid repetitive words and phrases.
3. The word "frolicking" popped out. It's old-fashioned and I'm not sure it's the best choice.
4. she slowly began to see the creature All you need is: she saw the creature
5. and waves of curiosity and excitement swept across her face This is a POV problem. Because we are reading this story from Tasha's viewpoint, we are "inside her head." Tasha cannot possibly see the expressions crossing her own face; only another character would see that. So instead of talking about her facial expression, talk about what she FEELS.
6. I love the term "dragon-kind." :)
7. In the last line, drop "Tasha wondered." We already know she is thinking (internal dialogue) because of the italics. Adding "Tasha wondered" isn't necessary. It's just added clutter.
8. One more thing: You have listed your genre as "fiction" but you need to be more specific. This is fantasy! So label it as such. :)
Good work!
I love dragons, and your story starts interesting enough. You can cut the second sentence (She had been exploring deep in the woods when a sudden downpour had caught her frolicking in the forest.) because it's a mini-flashback and it slow down the immediate action of the scene. Also, you could add a little more nervousness of the girl when she discovers an unknown potentially dangerous animal.
ReplyDeleteWalking in the rain reminds me of Jane Austen's heroine who *always* went for walks and seemed to get drenched in downpours.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I agree with the other commenters who advise you to cut back on the weather, and use the space to show her feelings. Did she shiver at the thought of danger? Did she walk more slowly? Arch her path to stay further from the creature until she knew it was safe?
I think your category should be "Fantasy" rather than "Fiction."
Nice ideas here. Keep it up.
This story hooked me up, especially the very last sentence, which completely made me think of a lot of things, such as the situation the character was in and what she was facing. From the very start, the character was already in a dangerous and mysterious environment, which made me yearned to read more of this story.
ReplyDeleteIt is very detailed, but you could show more of what she was thinking along the way she cross the forest. Was she scared? Worried? She can show all of these through her actions too.
Good job.