TITLE: Willow
GENRE: YA Paranormal
I looked around the empty room one last time. I took in the white carpet and bare sea green walls. There were indents left on the carpeted floor where my furniture once sat. Little holes in the walls where I had hung posters of my favorite bands. It was hard to wrap my mind around the idea that we were actually leaving the one place that held every memory of ours. The familiar empty, hollow feeling took over my body, weighing me down till I couldn’t stand anymore. I fell to my knees and leaned my head against the door frame as my thoughts took me back to the day when things fell apart. I still remember the dreadful day, almost nine months ago, as if it just happened.
* * *
It was a cold night in December. Mom had just left her clothing boutique when she called.
“Riley, hon, do you mind warming me up a plate for dinner? I just had so much to do at the store, I couldn’t get out till now,” she said
I could hear the car’s engine rumbling in the background. The radio was switched on to a local station. The DJ was talking on the other end, informing his listeners to watch out for black ice on the roads tonight. The temperature had dropped this past week and we’d had snow all morning.
“Sure, but mom, I’m on the other line with Adam so I’ll see you when you get home,” I said.
LOVE the title!!
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph captures your protagonist's mood, but it is overwritten. Some thoughts:
1. Your first 2 sentences begin with "I". Probably not a good idea.
2. The familiar empty, hollow feeling took over my body, weighing me down till I couldn’t stand anymore. This sentence is particularly clunky. Too many adjectives! :) Try:
The familiar, hollow feeling weighed me down until I couldn't stand anymore. ("Till" is incorrect. It's "until." Or "'til", which wouldn't work here.)
3. I've just read an entire page and I don't know your MC's name. I would like to put a name to her voice.
4. Your switch to the backstory is abrupt and feels contrived. I'm wondering if you could handle this in a different way? As it stands, you've created this great mood and then abruptly take me to backstory. As a reader, I didn't like that. I felt manipulated. Maybe, instead of doing that, you can stay in your MC's head and make her say a few, choice things that hint at what happened without dumping it on us.
Another approach would be to START your story with whatever happened that day, rather than making it something in the past. That would give it more immediacy. So instead of starting with the empty room, you start with the event that LEADS to the empty room.
It's suprisingly difficult sometimes to know where to start our stories. The novel I have on submission right now (YA Dystopian) starts at a totally different place now than it did during the first 4 drafts (yes, 4!!). I had to back my story up to make the beginning work. That might be something you need to consider.
You're off to a good start here and I definitely want to know what happened to your MC to make her world fall apart!! I'm just thinking there might be a better way to approach it, to keep the reader engaged.
Good work!
I love this! It captured my attention and I want to know what happened that day but I found one thing wrong with this. The part where the MC goes and remembers what happened that day feels like your trying to show us the situation instead of tell us. Maybe it would be better it you either started with that day instead of it having an 'in the past' feeling. Or maybe slowly introduce us to what happened throughout the novel. Either way will make it feel more smooth and have your readers wanting to read more :) Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love this! I agree also what Sarah said about maybe starting with the incident. That would be an awesome beginning and hook! Very dramatic. Bust still, I would read on. :D
ReplyDeleteEven though its YA paranormal, my first thought when reading the opening paragraph (before I got to the "lets flashback nine months part) was "oh, no. Not another teenage moving story, and how sucky it is to move". Granted, that's probably a personal problem on my part. I moved A LOT as a teen, and I LOVE it. So when I read a story that starts with talking about how awful moving is, I instantly put the book down.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you cut that out, and just started with what is now your flashback, I wouldn't have had that reaction at all. And when we get to the point of your MC moving for whatever reason, I'm sure I would understand her pain.
So I think cut the first paragraph and begin with the cold December.
On the plus side, the writing flows really well. I think you have a lot going for you. But as of right now, with this flashback beginning, I wouldn't read on.
The details in the first paragraph are great--the dents in the carpet, the holes in the wall. The set-up, though, (starting a story with a move) is a bit of a familiar, almost cliche, YA story starter.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is strong and confident. I like how you dropped in the 'black ice' hint. Good luck with this!
YOU, my friend, have hooked me, and that isn't easy to do. But, I do have a couple of suggestions, as well as agree with Authoress and Helene.
ReplyDeleteSee my suggestions below.
I looked around the barren room one last time, taking in the white carpet and bare sea green walls. There were indents on the carpet where my furniture once lived. There were little holes in the walls where posters of my favorite bands had hung. It was hard to wrap my mind around the idea that we were actually leaving the one place that held every memory of ours. The familiar empty, hollow feeling weighing me down until I felt like I couldn’t stand anymore. I fell to my knees and leaned my head against the door frame. I took myself back to the day when things fell apart, the day when I knew, without a doubt, that nothing would ever be the same again. I remember it so clearly, even though it was nine months ago. It was as if it just happened yesterday.
* * *
It was in December. Mom had just left her clothing boutique when she called.
“Riley, hon, do you mind warming me up a plate for dinner? I just had so much to do at the store, I couldn’t get out until now,” she said.
I could hear the car’s engine in the background as it turned over. The radio was on a local station, and the DJ was cautioning his listeners to watch out for black ice tonight. The temperature had dropped this past week and we’d had snow all morning.
“Sure, but Mom, I’m on the other line with Adam so I’ll see you when you get home,” I said.
The writing is good and I'm wondering what happens to Mom. Does she die or is she badly injured?
ReplyDeletePerhaps give a bit more thought to where your story should start. I agree with the others who suggested cutting the opening paragraph and starting with the cold day in December. You really don't need to set up the situation for the reader. All it does is make the rest of the story a giant flashback. And you're also cluing us in to what will happen (She'll eventually leave her home) before it happens, so we already know the outcome.
And if you cut it, you'll have more room to possibly get your hook on the first page. (I'm guessing Mom will get in a car accident?) As is, there is no hook on the page.
You might also want to change 'held every memory' to 'so many memories' because every memory says every memory they have is of something that happened in the house, and they must have memories of other places.
I think you did a very nice job showing her feelings and the sadness that goes with moving. (I've moved a fair amount, and no matter how happy I was about the move, there was always a little bit of sadness when I left my room for the last time.) I loved the little details about the room, as well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else who suggested moving the first paragraph and starting with your flashback. After the flashback, you could then have a paragraph break and then start with, "That had been nine months ago." You could then use the paragraph that you started with originally.
For your first paragraph, I'd suggest tightening it up a little bit. The second sentence seems unnecessary. I think, though, that in your sentence that has "weighing me down till I couldn’t stand anymore" in it, "till" is perfectly fine, grammatically speaking. (Until, 'til, and till are all grammatically correct.) However, I generally prefer to use "until"; it's up to you. Finally, saying that she fell to her knees because she was remembering something seems a bit dramatic. Whatever she's remembering better be worth falling down over.
The flashback is very good; I only have a few suggestions. First, you're missing a period at the end of the second paragraph of your flashback. Also, your final paragraph seems like you're trying to put too much information into one sentence. (Additionally, "mom" should be capitalized. It's only not capitalized when you say "my mom" or something similar, like "the mom".) I would suggest re-wording it as,
"'Sure, sounds good. I’m on the other line with Adam so I’ll talk to you when you get home,' I said."
Other than that, though, I was pretty interested in the story. I'd probably read on.
-Not_Rachel
Just wanted to thank you guys SO much for critiquing my work! I've already started editing & it's coming along great. :) Your comments have helped a lot. <3
ReplyDeleteHey, Shahira! I like what you have so far, you're on the right track! I just have a few comments:
ReplyDelete-I like the room and the memories thing. I usually also don't like stories in which the MC moves, but I like the way you portrayed her "sorrow", so to say.
-I think you can start off your story in a more interesting or exciting place. Like, right when the action begins or as other's have suggested, begin with the flashback. In that way, the beginning doesn't drag us down from reading further, because I'm sure you have some good stuff coming up further on we wouldn't want to miss. :)
Other than that, no other comments! I would read on, btw, because black ice and lots of snow? Hmm...can that spell trouble?
Although I very much like the title, there is a film "Willow".
ReplyDeleteI quite like this but I would advise against a flashback so close to the beginning. You need to ground your reader in your world before you can take him/her back. Is it essential for the story that you show us the moving before the reason for it?
Thanks Maya & Cat. :) I've already made a lot of changes to the beginning based on what you all have said.
ReplyDelete'Willow' is actually just a temporary title. I know there's a novel (by Julia Hoban) with the title so I don't think I'll be sticking with it, though I do love it. :)
Hello, Shahira!
ReplyDeleteI know you've already made some changes. Watch the rest of your manuscript for opportunities to cut as many words as possible, while still making the idea clear. This will give a criper feel to the passage. For example, I took a shot at the opening paragraph. I think the following conveys the same concepts.
----------------
Indents blotched the white carpet where my furniture once sat, and little holes puckered the walls where I had hung posters of my favorite bands. I struggled to wrap my mind around the idea that we were actually leaving the one place that held every memory of ours. The familiar hollow feeling took over my body, weighing me down till I couldn’t stand anymore. I fell to my knees as my thoughts took me back to the day when things fell apart, almost nine months ago, as if it just happened.
-------------
Good luck with this!
Thanks for the suggestions Marybk. :) Your version of my opening paragraph sounds nothing like what I wrote. And I mean that in a good way. :) You really changed it up yet got the same idea across.
ReplyDeleteI'll definitely use this as a reference when I'm re-writing it.
Thanks again!