Title: Chance
Genre: YA
I couldn't believe that I had been talked into driving down here! Megan had sworn up and down that it would be worth it. She claimed that her college was amazing, that I would love it.
"Really," she had said over the phone, "how could you not like it? The parties here are killer, and it's nothing like home! I swear every other guy here is like a ten on the hot scale." Did she mention one thing about the academics? No. Did she successfully talk me into coming anyway, like always? Yes.
It must be nice living on daddy's credit cards. I think Megan thought of classes as optional. To her they were something you went to when you weren't too hung over and daddy was bugging you about the classes you were taking.
The funny thing is that I'm positive that Megan doesn't even know what classes she's taking this semester. Two weeks ago I called her and she told me she was in a still life drawing class, but when I got the class listings a week later I found that they only offer art classes first semester. Knowing Megan, I knew that she would have actually thought she was in an art class, so of course I called her and asked her where in the world she was. Unsurprisingly, she didn't know, which caused me to go into full lecture mode about how she needs to be more careful. There are some crazy people in this world you know!
This is a good start but it would definitely be stronger if you put in some action in the present moment. It's okay to have some general thoughts about stuff but they should be something the main character has as they are doing something else. For example, if she is about to go to a class and she's annoyed because she hates it, you start with that and then add the inner monologue about how her friend talked her into going there in the first place.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This Megan girl sounds like a bad influence. And a bad college student. I'm getting chills just imagining skipping two weeks of classes.
ReplyDeleteI definitely know what its like to have a crazy, wild best friend when I'm the voice of reason and caution, so I can relate to the MC which is definitely a good thing.
This section also has a really strong voice, which is a good thing. Voice can be really difficult for a lot of writers.
A couple of things. Generally I think exclamation points should be avoided in prose. I don't think either your first sentence or last sentence need the extra umph added by it. Also in openings I generally try to avoid using the past perfect tense in openings. The "had"s can really bog down the reader.
I also think the last paragraph is unnecessary right here. I think the third paragraph gives me everything I need to know about Megan, and after that I kind of want to just jump in to what the MC is actually doing. Are she driving in the car? Is it night and we're driving to a party? Or is it afternoon and she's just going to chill with Megan for a while. I'm sure the information about Megan going to fake classes is important, but I'm not sure this is the right place for it. We basically have four paragraphs talking about Megan. I want to know about the MC.
I'm not hooked, but with some tweaking, I think this could be a strong beginning.
I agree with the above comments. I agree and like your voice, but we need something more to happen other than describing Megan. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with the above comments as well. You have a nice voice, and your writing is nice and clear. But this is all backstory about her friend. Put us in the here and now and let us see Megan and the MC.
ReplyDeleteThe MC is at Megan's school, so all this info can be sprinkled in while the MC is checking out her surroundings and talking to her friend.
The writing is good and your MC's voice comes through, but as Lizzy said, this is all about Megan. We don't know your MC's name or where she is. (Where is she coming from? Where is she going to?) We also don't know what your MC's problem or main goal is.
ReplyDeleteNothing happens here. The MC is explaining the situation to the reader, and every time you do that, the story stops. Forget the reader is there and just tell the story. What are your characters doing and thinking?
I would suggest starting the story when she actually gets wherever she is headed. Allow her to act and react and have converstaions. As I said, the writing is good and you've captured your character's voice, which is a hard thing to do, so you clearly have the skills. I think you've just started in the wrong place.
Great voice! I loved that your MC feels like this intelligent, caring, skeptical, but devoted friend. Good job communicating that in only a couple of paragraphs.
ReplyDeletePunctuation points in narration have already been mentioned, so I'll just pass along what someone told me once (I'm an exclamation-point-freak, btw): "Choose your emphasis carefully," they said to me. "Your punctuation instructs the reader how to feel, and no one wants to be instructed on their emotions . . . let your readers feel WITH your characters because your writing allows them to experience emotion so clearly."
Using double verbs— whenever you write in first person past tense, it's easy to let those slip in. But your work will flow more smoothly without the "had sworn," "had said," etc. Both sworn and said are already past tense, so the narration works without them.
Use your senses to ground your reader and incorporate a little action if you can. Other than that, I think you are off to a GREAT start!
I definitely agree with the others and think that you need to talk more about the MC. So far, I know lots about Megan and her situation but not much about the MC.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bittersweet and think that you should avoid the exclamation point in that first sentence. I do like your voice and think that after some editing, I'd definitely be hooked. :)
I agree with a lot of people so far--cut the last paragraph. And avoid exclamation marks like the plague. Just kidding, but do cut most of them out. And like Shahira said, I'd like to know more about the MC in the opening. I'd keep the first two paragraphs and jump into the present action, and show us how irresponsible Megan is later. It has great voice, and potential to be a good story. =)
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions are below. :)
ReplyDeleteMegan had sworn up and down that it would be worth it, driving to her college. She claimed it was amazing, and that I would love it.
"Really," she had said over the phone, "how could you not like it? The parties here are killer, and it's nothing like home! I swear every other guy here is like a ten on the hot scale." Did she mention one thing about the academics? No. Did she successfully talk me into coming anyway, like always? Yes.
It must be nice living on Daddy's credit cards, and thinking of classes as optional, viewing them as something you attended when you weren't too hung over and your folks were bugging you about the classes you were taking.
I'm positive Megan doesn't even know what classes she's taking this semester. Two weeks ago, she told me she was in a still life drawing class, but when I got the class listings a week later I found that they only offer art classes first semester. Knowing Megan, I knew that she would have actually thought she was in an art class, so I called her and asked her where in the world she was. Unsurprisingly, she didn't know, which hurled me into full lecture mode about how she needs to be more careful.
I liked the opening. It was taking me along until you got too heavy with Megan. I'd like a bit more MC. The last paragraph had me a bit confused. I mean does anyone ever not know where they are?
ReplyDeleteWatch your 'thats'. It's a problem I have and I have to go back and take them out when they don't need to be here. Read your line below without the 'thats'.
'The funny thing is that I'm positive that Megan doesn't even know what classes she's taking this semester.'
Good luck with it all. It has a good voice and I'd read more.
I agree with all the other comments: There's too much about Megan. I want to know about the MC.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice, and that aspect alone is intriguing enough for me to want to read on. But I'd probably only give it a few more pages to see if something interesting happens to really hook me in.
What's really neat about this is that you've already developed a nice voice for your MC. This is not an easy thing to do, so kudos to you!!
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts:
1. You've got some over-writing. For example:
"Really," she had said over the phone, "how could you not like it? The parties here are killer, and it's nothing like home! I swear every other guy here is like a ten on the hot scale." Did she mention one thing about the academics? No. Did she successfully talk me into coming anyway, like always? Yes.
Try instead:
"Really," she had said over the phone, "how could you not like it? The parties are killer and I swear every other guy here is like a ten on the hot scale." Did she mention one thing about academics? No. Did she successfully talk me into coming anyway? Yes.
I think Megan thought of classes as optional. To her they were something you went to when you weren't too hung over and daddy was bugging you about the classes you were taking.
Try instead:
Megan thought of classes as optional. Something you went to when you weren't too hung over and daddy was bugging you about them.
2. The last paragraph doesn't do anything to propel the motion forward, and you can probably do without it. It tells us some interesting things about Megan, but right now I don't want to read those--I want to know about the MC and what the conflict is. Unless I get a hint of conflict (aside from Megan's obvious bad influence), I'm not going to want to keep reading.
Honestly, though, the voice thing is really good. You must write a lot because voice is something that develops over time. Good work!
The voice of this bit is good but it's all backstory. We don't learn much about the main character since all of your opening paragraphs centers around her friend. That can work or it might not. Depends on what comes next. I'd read some more to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI like your MC off the bat, but I'm going to need some action a lot sooner. As written, it feels like soliloquy. Even a small mention of your MC walkind down the campus sidewalk, noticing something that bothered her would strengthen this passage a lot.
ReplyDeleteAlso, about exclamation points: pretend you only get three exclamation points to use in your ENTIRE LIFE. Make sure you absolutely need them. If not, AVOID them like you would avoid ALL CAPS. :)