TITLE: Short Swords
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy
The darkness was absolute. Sophie concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. A hand along the slimy stone wall and a rough map in her mind was her only guide. “I must be getting closer,” she thought, opening and closing her eyes to see if it made any difference. It didn’t. Thinking it was lucky she wasn’t afraid of the dark, Sophie pushed on until her foot hit something solid. The preceding thump echoed through the cellar causing Sophie to freeze in fright. When no answering call sounded she dropped her empty sack and ran her fingers around the object she’d just kicked. It was a wooden crate. Pushing the lid aside, the smell of autumn apples intensified and for a moment she was tempted to stay put until she had eaten her fill.
As suddenly as this thought had arrived another pushed itself forward. Brent’s face appeared in her minds eye, matted hair hanging long, his brown eyes shining with the promise of better days to come. She couldn’t abandon him. She knew, even though he had tried to hide it, what he had risked to get her this opportunity. Sophie had watched, out of sight among the shadows, as he had argued her case.
“I ken her to be reliable. We’ve been friends for years now, my mother ken her grandmother,” he pleaded, his street slang thick with the common dirt accent.
But the boys before him were shaking their heads. “It’s not enough Brent, to say ye ken someone so well as to predict their future.”
Love your opening line! Drew me right in. Only a few things. The bit about "the rough map in her mind" I had to read twice because you go from describing the slippery wall to the map so I thought the map was rough, as in texture.
ReplyDeleteI feel like her thoughts should be italicized to separate them from the regular dialogue later. Also, right after her thinks, she "thinks it's lucky" she's not afraid of the dark. Perhaps a different word there?
The rest drew me right in. There are a few nitpicky things but I'm not going to bother with those. I want to know what's happened to Brent and why she isn't abandoning him.
I would read on!
Fantasy is my genre of choice, so I'm always in for a good fantasy story.
ReplyDeleteI think the first paragraph is too long. I feel like if it was broken up more, it would be easier to follow. There is some great imagery in there, though, and I definitely feel like I'm with Sophia.
A nitpicky thing, as a fellow fantasy writer. Sophia and Brent are two very different names from very different cultures. Brent is a Celtic/English name. Sophia is a name of Greek origins. Sometimes when you're writing fantasy you have to think about these things. If Sophia and Brent are supposed to be from the same country/culture (and maybe they're not) then it might help to make their names to sound like they're from the same culture.
In any case, I'm hooked. I would read on!
Overall, I liked this. Good hook. :)
ReplyDeleteYou should put Sophie's thought in italics, though; quotes are for things that are actually spoken.
Polish just a little and you'll be good to go. Best of luck!
Great opening sentence, and a nice description of her surroundings. I could feel the dark. But I did want to know where Sophie was and why she was there. Is she searching for something or trying to escape? What is 'this opportunity' Brent has given her?
ReplyDeleteLetting us know would give this some tension (if escaping) or suspense (if searching.) Right now, there is none because she's not even scared or worried about her situation. She might simply be in a dark cellar searching for a bottle of wine. Knowing the where and why could add more excitement to the piece.
This is also mostly told, which distances the reader from the characters. Perhaps consider showing more of it. For instance --
The preceding thump echoed through the cellar causing Sophie to freeze in fright.
could be
The thump echoed through the cellar and Sophie froze in fright.
In the first example, you are telling us what Sophie did. In the second example, Sophie is actually doing it. The changes are very minor, but they make a big difference in the feel of the overall story.
You've got quite a lot of passive writing here. For example, "A hand along the slimy stone wall" -> this sounds like someone else's hand. If you want to put us in the main character's head, you should write actively and from her head. If we are in her head, she knows it's her hand. She's more likely to think about the feeling of the slime.
ReplyDeleteI'm not usually into fantasy BUT this had me hooked. :) I love she's already in a difficult situation from the beginning. And I'm also curious to meet this Brent.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree with Mad & think you should put her thoughts in italics.
Good luck with the novel & great job so far!
I like the title and of course the genre; fantasy is one of my favorites. I think you did a good job making this opening interesting by starting with Sophia walking in the dark, but not saying exactly where she was. I liked Brent's character; he seems honest and likable. I didn't get quite as much from Sophia's character, though she seems loyal.
ReplyDeleteThe structure of the first three sentences are very similar, which, to me, makes them a little bit choppy. I would probably combine the second and third sentences to read something like, "Sophie concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other; her only guide was her hand along the slimy stone wall and a rough map in her mind." (I did, however, like the use of "rough" to describe her mental map.)
I was also a bit thrown by the fact that the smell of apples intensified; I don't usually think of them as the sort of fruit that gives off too much of a smell. Additionally, in the second sentence of the second paragraph, I think you have a typo: it should be "mind's eye," not "minds eye." Finally, I'm not sure how much I liked the flashback; there are often better ways to convey the information they give. As it is, though, it works.
Overall, I liked it, and I would read on.
Thank you so much everyone! I will defiantly be taking these comments to heart and will be working on the mistakes. Thanks again! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, jeez, I meant to write Sophie, not Sophia. My bad!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and want to read more, this sounds like a really interesting story! I love your discription too. A few things though.
ReplyDeleteYou should put Sophie's thoughts in italics, because otherwise, later in the story when there's dialogue, it might be confusing if her thoughts are in qoutation marks too. And it's not clear why she shouldn't eat the apples that she finds in the crate. Are they specail apples? Is she supposed to give them to Brent because he's poor and doesn't have food to eat? And why do you say, "When no answering call sounded..." after she kicked the crate? Is someone following her? And lastley, I don't quite understand the slang you use when Brent speaks. What does 'ken' mean? If the slang is too strong, then it's distracting and hard to understand.
But other than that, you have a great story! I want to read more and find out what happens. :D Good job!
Ahhhh, another fantasy! :)
ReplyDeleteGood mood setting! I think your biggest problem is probably overwriting.
Some thoughts:
1. “I must be getting closer,” she thought, Dialogue ALWAYS starts a new paragraph. So you need a paragraph break here.
2. Thinking it was lucky she wasn’t afraid of the dark Drop "Thinking it". We already know she's thinking because we're in her head.
It was lucky she wasn't afraid of the dark.
3. ausing Sophie to freeze in fright Drop "in fright;" we know she's afraid because she's freezing.
...causing Sophie to freeze.
4. the smell of autumn apples intensified and for a moment she was tempted to stay put until she had eaten her fill. Tighten this sentence. Perhaps:
...the smell of autumn apples tempted her to stay put until she had eaten her fill.
5. As suddenly as this thought had arrived another pushed itself forward. Brent’s face appeared in her minds eye, matted hair hanging long, his brown eyes shining with the promise of better days to come. This needs to be tightened a lot:
Then she remembered Brent's face, matted hair hanging long, his brown eyes shining with the promise of better days to come.
6. I LOVE the "common dirt talk," both the dialogue itself and the term!!
Good work. Tighten, tighten, tighten, and this could be a good read!!
"A hand along the slimy stone wall and a rough map in her mind was her only guide."
ReplyDeleteI agree with others--the 'rough' after 'slimy' gives the wrong image on first read, and I'd replace rough with something not textural, like vague.
I feel like the thing with the apples is just there to give her an excuse to think about Brent for the reader. I'd try to get that information across in a more natural flow, without interrupting the action.
I think that's all I have to say--most of my thoughts were already covered by others. =)
Another thanks to everyone who was kind enough to read and critique my work. I really appreciate it and will be making the changes :)
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot and would read on to see where this is going. I suspect she is out thieving.
ReplyDelete"A hand along the slimy stone wall and a rough map in her mind was her only guide." should be "... mind were her only guides."
This is a good read with a tense opening. I almost feel like I'm inside a role-play video game, but with a lot more purpose.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments where you need to tighten it a bit, which can only make it clearer.
I'm not usually a fan of dialect, but your's worked here. I'm worried about your MC and I want to read more. Great work.
The story hooked me up from the very first paragraph, and the descriptions were really detailed. The texture, color, and other elements of the enviornment were detaily described, so it made a clearer mental picture, which is always good. It made me suspect where the main character was, and what kind of situation she was stuck in.
ReplyDeleteGood job!