Friday, April 29, 2011

Andre's first 500

Shaye scowled up at her arrest warrant. It was twice as large as any of the others pinned on the bar wall, and printed in large bold letters.

WANTED: ALIVE AND UNHARMED
Shaye.
Bounty hunter. Female. Black coat. Dark red hair. Scar on left cheek.
Armed and extremely dangerous.
5,000 Bax Reward

The warrant was short and to the point, providing just enough information for someone to identify her, and more than enough money for someone to try. Far more than enough. Five-thousand bax was a number to bring every bounty hunter in the city down after her. There were no details of where Shaye had to be delivered, but the signature at the bottom was enough for anyone with a modicum of brainpower to understand. Mireya.

Shaye turned away from the wall and surveyed the bar, looking for anything suspicious. Scruffy men sat around dirty wooden tables, laughing uproariously at each other between swigs of ancient beer. No one appeared to be paying attention to her, which was good. Hopefully none of them would connect her with the obscene amount of money being offered.

Striding across the room, Shaye sat down on the stool at the far end of the bar. It creaked complainingly beneath her, but managed to not fall apart. Her muscles tensed automatically when the bartender caught her eye and hurried over, his large belly jiggling. She had known the man ever since she could lift a gun, but that only meant he would be aware of the warrant on the wall. Anyone was an enemy when enough money was involved.

“Shaye!” he hissed, casting furtive glances in every direction, “what are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for this man,” Shaye said calmly. She pulled a photo from her coat pocket and slid it across the counter.

“I haven’t seen him,” the bartender said, giving the picture only the briefest of glances, “but you shouldn’t be here! You’ve seen the amount of money the East is offering for you, and if the Enforcers find you…” He trailed off. His flabby jowls wobbling as he gulped, staring at something behind Shaye. Shaye didn’t bother looking around. She had already heard the footsteps, and judging by the sound of them, the man now standing behind her was large, beefy, and weighed over two-hundred pounds. Likely all muscle and no brain, but Shaye didn’t like to make assumptions.

“You want to sit down?” she asked, still not looking around. “Drinks on me.”

Behind her, the thug grunted. “Not likely,” he said. “You’re coming with me.” He grabbed her shoulder with one thick hand and Shaye reacted instantly. Leaping up, her stool was sent flying as she spun, bringing her elbow up and slamming it into the man’s face. The blow - already strong enough to fell most men - was strengthened by the metal bar strapped to her forearm and hidden in the sleeve of her coat. Her would-be abductor was sent sprawling flat out on the floor.

Before he could move, Shaye yanked a pistol from the holster on her waist and cocked it at his head.

Around them, the bar had fallen completely silent. Everyone was staring at them. From his position on the floor, the man glared up at Shaye and spat out a glob of blood before speaking.

“You can’t threaten me,” he said, “I know who you are. Shaye. The bounty hunter who won’t kill.”

Shaye’s expression didn’t change. “I don’t need to kill,” she said, and shot him in the leg.

6 comments:

  1. Not bad.

    A few suggestions:

    Shaye turned away from the wall and surveyed the bar, looking for anything suspicious. Scruffy men sat around dirty wooden tables, laughing uproariously at each other between swigs of ancient beer. No one appeared to be paying attention to her, which was good. Hopefully none of them would connect her with the obscene amount of money being offered.
    *
    *
    If it were me, I'd cut the parts I've bolded. You don't need the adverb; it makes the rhythm of the piece stutter. That last sentence is implied information, so saying it is redundant.

    In the next paragraph, strike "complainingly" for the same reason mentioned above. Also, be wary of beating the reader over the head with ideas. You're leaning a little too hard on the whole "she doesn't want to be noticed" bit. You've gotten the point across, there's no need to keep shouting. ;)

    Watch your repetition. You've got two "glances" very close together.



    *
    *

    Likely all muscle and no brain, but Shaye didn’t like to make assumptions. <--- this is a great line. It's got a lot of character to it.

    *
    *
    Behind her, the thug grunted. “Not likely,” he said. “You’re coming with me.” He grabbed her shoulder with one thick hand and Shaye reacted instantly. Leaping up, her stool was sent flying as she spun, bringing her elbow up and slamming it into the man’s face.

    *
    * In this bit, strike the bolded line of dialogue. It's stronger without it. And that last line is sort of awkward with all the -ing. You might want to reword it.

    All together, it's pretty good. Very strong closing line there for the scene.

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  2. I agree mostly with Josin! I liked the tension of the scene and I did keep reading till the end. Just a few notes of my own.

    I had the strong feeling this was an epic-fantasy type story in the beginning, even with the word 'bar'. Warrent, "bax" as a type of money, men drinking beer, beards and a tavern-feel. Then she said "photo" and that threw me off. What time period is this set in, exactly? Make sure you convey a 'mood' or 'feel' to whatever time this is set in, so we know by the language and vocabulary.

    Also, the bit from "Shaye reacted instantly" to "man's face" was a bit untidy. It didn't read as smoothly as I'd like.

    I loved the line about 'the bounty hunter who doesn't kill' and then the shot in the leg. And we want to know why they're after her.

    Once this is tightened and the world-building is fixed up some it is a really promising scene!

    Keep up the great work!

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  3. *even by the language and vocabulary

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  4. I'm a little thrown by the warrant. At first, I thought it was an arrest warrant that someone was holding over her head (because an arrest warrant is usually printed and signed by a judge). Then I realized it was more like a "WANTED" poster which is fine but I thought those always had a photo. If not, why is she concerned about being recognized? Is it her red hair that stands out in this crowd? If so, maybe tell us that rather than stating it.

    Last comment: bounty hunters don't kill. They apprehend criminals for money. So as much as I love the line "the bounty hunter who doesn't kill", you need to build your world first in a way that establishes that THESE bounty hunters do.

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  5. This was good. I already love your character, Shaye. You can see her confidence and her kick-butt mentality, but there's also the mystery of why she doesn't kill. I love it!

    The only thing that I found a little distracting were the adverbs. When used sparingly (<--)they're noticable but easy to ignore. I would suggest you go back through and ask yourself if the adverb you used is necassary. If not, cut it. There's always a better way to say something.

    Also, though this is good, I feel like it could be hands-up-knock-me-off-my-seat-amazing!! I'd suggest fleshing out the setting just a little bit more. I want to smell the liqour and dirty men in the bar. I want to feel like I'm sitting in the bar stool next to Shay.

    All in all, I would keep reading if there was more. This feels like one of those stories I'd stay up all night reading.

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  6. Wow, thanks for the awesome comments, everyone! Very helpful...I definitely need to work on my description and worldbuilding. It's post-dystopian (I think I made that genre up, but it makes sense), definitely not an epic fantasy, so yeah...wordbuilding needs work.

    ReplyDelete