"Talking Heads" Critique Session Entry #4

Title: The Tale of the Pie-Rats
Genre: Fiction (I'm not sure what the sub-genre is)

This is a short story about a group of Pie-Rats (Pirate rats who eat pies) that are on a ship searching for buried treasure.


“Hoy, Squeaker, what’s the matter with you? You look all giddy and out of sorts. Has Bulky been teasin’ you again?” Thomas said as he sat down next to a small, skinny rat.

“Oh…no Thomas…it’s just a little bit of indigestion…I don’t do so well with all these seafood pies…you know…sets my stomach all a ‘tumble’, thinking about fish…” replied Squeaker in a small, quavering voice which matched his small stature. All the rats were eating supper in the dining room below deck, after a hard days work.

“Well, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll be mighty glad when we reach Shell Island and can stock up on some meat. I hate all these salty, fishy, pies.” Fusser said from across the table. He was the kind of rat who was very particular about the taste of his food.

“Shut up and quit complain’ or I’ll use my fists to quiet you down. You need a good beating what with all your pickiness and complain’,” called out a rat in a deep voice; everyone knew him as Bulky, the strongest, biggest, meanest rat on board the Star-Sail.

“Now, now Bulky, lets not be too hasty, I meant no offense. I’m just a little tired of tasting the sea in everything I eat, that’s all,” Fusser replied quickly, suddenly afraid of the idea of Bulky harming him.

"Talking Heads" Critique Session Entry #3

TITLE: THE NIGHT
GENRE: Epic YA Fantasy

The prince/keralealon, Taeon, and his manservant, Ghale, are preparing for their mission, to capture a fugitive and bring them back to the capital.

Ghale pulled a set of gold, ruby-encrusted ceremonial robes from the closet. “Perhaps these shall be of some use to you on the journey, sire.” The corner of his mouth twitched.

“Yes, I agree.” Taeon turned back to reading the details of the mission. “Find a good place for them among the saddlebags. Wouldn’t want them to become wrinkled.” Ghale knew perfectly well what he ought to be packing.

There was a clinking of metal on metal. “Master Taeon, what are these for?” He held three silver arm bands, each about the width of two fingers.

“My father has decided he must have a hand in what I wear. As if the people concern themselves with such trivial things.”

“Must be popular with the keradealas.”

Taeon gave him a look.

“Maybe he hopes you’ll find a wife during your travels,” he continued with a sly grin.

“Ghalen, we’re to be chasing dangerous fugitives from the law. I doubt we’ll take the time to attend any keraden banquets. If you’re coming solely to chase maidservants, I suggest you stay home.” Not that the boy had any choice in the matter.

“Already have a girl in mind, then, sire?”

“You are dismissed, Ghalen,” he said without looking up. “And when I say dismissed, I mean permanently.”

Ghale placed one more item on the pile, then assumed a sullen expression. “As you wish, my keralealon. I will go pack my things.” He left.

Taeon shook his head. If he ever truly wished to dismiss Ghale, he wouldn’t take him seriously.

"Talking Heads" Critique Session Entry #2

Title: Splashback
Genre: YA Thriller

Lottie and Maureen are top-level swimmer frenemies whose jealousy has finally boiled over. Lee is their coach.


Rolling my eyes, I turned to her. "Get over yourself, Maureen. You're just pissed I'm beating you in practice again. Newsflash--I've always been faster."

"Lottie . . ." Lee sounded disappointed, but I ignored him. She needed this.

"I'm treating you the way you deserve to be treated," Maureen snapped. "Everyone has treated you like you're Michael Phelps for the past year and a half. They all tip-toe about like I'm about to Tonya Harding their a**, while you--you can do no wrong." She stood up, towering over me for a rare moment. "Except you can and you do and you never have to fix it!"

"Maureen!" Lee's cries were background noise.

I stood too. "I can't help that people like me because I actually care! I care about others, okay, and I care what they think of me--it's polite!"

"You care so much about yourself and your appearance and your reputation! Just shut up and swim. You're going nowhere in life with your looks--except maybe onto a pole!"

"GIRLS!" Lee slammed his fist down on his desk. "I don't know what has gotten into the two of you, but I can't have you guys fighting like this. My senior group has fourteen swimmers, and they all look up to you every day, sometimes twice a day. The rest of the team looks up to you during meets. You can't set a bad example."

"Little Miss Sunshine won't ever set a bad example," Maureen said, glaring at me.

"Little Miss Raincloud doesn't know how to set a good example," I returned.

"Talking Heads" Critique Session Entry #1

Title: Short Swords
Genre: YA fantasy

Sophie and Brent live in the Under City where food is scarce and children are forced to live on the streets. To survive they must steal what ever they can get, however, if caught by the Street Sweepers, punishment is harsh. Sophie has joined Tommy's children's street gang, of which Brent is a member, but Tommy has set her up for failure.

“Who’s coming?” she tried not to yell in her panic and began wiggling faster.

Brent took hold of her shoulders and pulled. “Tommy spilt the beans. Told the Street Sweepers ye would be here. I’m sorry Soph, it’s my fault.” His panicked tugs were more hindering than helpful.

“Brent let go, I can do this myself. And it isn’t your fault, you were trying to help feed me.” She grunted in pain. “Will Tommy hang?”

“Tommy?” Brent froze. “Hang? Oh no Soph ye dinna understand. They dinna catch him. He volunteered the information. He only let ye join ‘cause I insisted but he dinna like the way ye talk.”

Sophie kicked her feet trying desperately to find something to push against. The blood in her temples was beating so hard her eyes watered, “He doesn't like the way I talk?” she whispered. “I can’t help that my grandmother made me learn fansy Upper City speech.”

New foot steps echoed down the ally. Two more men had arrived.

“Brent go!” yelled Sophie. She knew there was no point hiding now, sped was their only remaining hope.

“But?”

“I’ll be out in a moment, just get out of here!” Sophie redoubled her struggles as, with one last look, Brent melted into the darkness.

“Well well well, what have we here?” asked a new voice and a pair of filthy shoes appeared in Sophie’s vision.

She stopped moving as all feeling left her limbs and old terrors took over. Twice already the Sweepers had caught her, a third time would mean death or transportation.

Call For Submissions: Talking Heads

Submissions are now open for your dialogue-rich excerpts. (In other words, mostly talking.)

Guidelines:

• You may submit a 250-word, dialogue-rich excerpt from your novel, whether it is a completed work or a work-in-progress (WIP).
• You may include a BRIEF lead-in (that is, a sentence or two to set up the scene).
• The submission window will open at 4:00 PM EST today, and will close at 4:00 PM on Friday or when we have 10 entries--whichever comes first.
• You may only submit one entry. Subsequent entries will be disqualified.
• All entries will be posted anonymously.
• By entering this critique round, you are giving implicit permission to have your work posted and publicly critiqued.
• By entering this critique round, you agree to critique a minimum of 3 other entries.
• Send your submission to A Writer Gone Mad at awritergonemad.submissions(at)gmail.com. (Replace the (at) with an @ sign.)
• You will receive a reply email with your post number. Please be patient; unlike the critiques on Miss Snark's First Victim, this contest is NOT automated. Mad will be taking care of submissions by hand.
• Format your entry EXACTLY AS FOLLOWS:

SCREEN NAME: (type it here) (this is whatever name you use when you leave comments here)
TITLE: (type it here)
GENRE: (type it here)

(type your first 250 words here)

The Basics: The Invisible "Said"

My husband is not a big reader. (Gasp!) So when his mom handed him a book written by a friend of hers, he was not inclined to read it.  Not even to be polite.

So, naturally, he handed it to me.

Admittedly, I wrinkled my nose.  The book was published by PublishAmerica.  (This is something you never want to do.  Never.)  For the uninitiated, PublishAmerica is a vanity press.  You pay them a lot of money and they print your book.

So I knew immediately that the book had not been professionally edited and would probably...well, stink.

(Disclaimer:  Self publishing is a viable option for authors.  I self-published a non-fiction book before I started writing fiction.  But PublishAmerica is BAD NEWS.  'Nuff said.)

Anyway, I didn't exactly read the book.  I sort of skimmed through.  And, yeah.  It sucked.  I can't comment on the plot, since the skim was just that.  A thin, quick, oh-my-stars-is-this-bad skim.  So I can only comment on the writing.

You know what stuck out the most?  The author's nearly complete avoidance of the word SAID.  As though it were a bad word.

What did I see instead?

She exclaimed.
He retorted.
She shouted.
He declared.
She screamed.
He demanded.

You know.  All the ridiculously over-descriptive words that want to be, simply, "said."

Want to know something else interesting?  The author was a retired English teacher.

I shudder to think of the HUNDREDS of writing students she trained, over the years, to avoid the word "said" in their creative writing.

Here's the thing about the tiny word "said":  It's invisible.  We know the characters in a novel are SPEAKING when we see quotation marks.  We don't need a lot of reminders that that's what they're doing.  "Said", when used sparingly, melts into the background, reminding us gently that, yes, the characters are having a conversation.

That's what it's meant to do.  That's how we need to use it.

TOO MANY SAIDS

Of course, one can overdo.  We don't need to see this:

"I'm so embarrassed," Dee said.
"You should be," Mary said.
"I mean, what was I thinking?" Dee said.
"Exactly," Mary said.
"And he'll probably never talk to me again," Dee said.
"Probably," Mary said.

Yeah.  That's ridiculous, right?  We don't need a "said" after every line of dialogue.  What we DO need is a beat or two.  You know; those little bits that add some action to the exchange, let us know a little more about our characters' state of mind:

Dee pressed her palm against her forehead.  "I'm so embarrassed."
"You should be," Mary said.
"I mean, what was I thinking?"
"Exactly." Mary started toward the exit.
"And he'll probably never talk to me again," Dee said, following.
"Probably."

THE OCCASIONAL USE OF OTHER WORDS

Of course, there are always occasions when a word other than said is called for.  Naturally, you don't want to do this very often.  As in, almost never.  The one exception to "almost never" is the word ASK.  Because when your character needs to ask a question, he is, technically, ASKING and not SAYING.  So you're allowed to write,

"What's bothering you?" he asked.

Other "occasional use" words include:

WHISPER  (When there's absolutely no other way to describe it.)
YELL or SHOUT (When there's absolutely no other way to describe it.)

You get the idea.

In short, be judicious about your use of words-other-than-said.  Sometimes a delicious synonym will be JUST RIGHT for the moment.

"Sleep now," she murmured.

And sometimes a synonym will NOT be delicious.  It will be ridiculous.

"I'm leaving now," she verbalized.

WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE USED BECAUSE THEY ARE HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE

Another mistake new-ish writers tend to make is to attribute impossible actions to characters in what is yet another avoidance of the beautiful, invisible "said."  For example:

"I don't believe you," he laughed.

One cannot "laugh" the words, "I don't believe you."  Go ahead. Try.

"You're not serious!" she gasped.

Nope.  Gasping an entire sentence isn't something most normal people can do.

"It really hurts," he groaned.

Um, no.  A groan is a low, guttural sound.  He might groan first and THEN speak. But not both at once.

"You're such an idiot!" he guffawed.

Okay.  I'm having too much fun here.

IN SHORT

"Said" is your friend.  Use it without trepidation.  Do not over-use it.  And don't let your English teacher talk you into using six hundred synonyms in order to avoid "said".  With all due respect, that is the worst possible advice on dialogue that she could give you.

Or he.  Not to be sexist or anything.

And now you're ready to write some sparkling dialogue!

Oh, wait.  We'll have to talk about Dorky Dialogue next...

Crit Round This Week!

Time for some more in-house critique!

Submissions will open this Wednesday at 3:00 pm EDT for our first TALKING HEADS round!

TALKING HEADS means just what it sounds like:  I want you to find an excerpt from your novel that is dialogue-rich.  Maximum 250 words.  And that's what we'll be critiquing.

Dialogue is an important part of story-telling.  And writing believable, natural dialogue can be challenging. We don't want our characters to sound like B-movie actors, but sometimes they do.  So let's expose them when they're talking a lot and weed out the not-so-good stuff.

What mistakes do we sometimes make?

• Big chunks of info-dumpy words.  Real people don't speak in paragraphs.
• Awkard, wordy prose.  Real people don't sound like dictionaries.
• Bland sameness.  Real people have different speaking styles.
• Odd spellings, apostrophes, etc., in order to connote colloquialism or accent.  Real people do have different ways of saying things, but if we can't read it, we won't know what they're saying at all.

Anyway, the guidelines will post on Wednesday, and we'll take the first 10, like last time.  In the meantime, comb your manuscript for a heavy bit of dialogue that you'd like critiqued.  And post your questions below!

So I'm Thinking...

We'll be doing in-house critiques on a regular basis, so that's covered.

We'll continue to have author interviews and other Interesting Things.

And of course, there's ALWAYS something going on in the forums.  (Have you been there lately? I mean...they're hoppin'! Lizzy is doing an amazing job running that place.)

But that leaves me with the big question: What else do you need from me?

I'm going to be writing a weekly feature for you.  It's going to be called The Basics.  And it's going to cover everything about writing that is NOT about the industry.  In other words, it's going to be about the WRITING.

As in, writing.

Because, I hate to say it--well, I don't hate to say it, actually, because it's true--but some English and Creative Writing teachers are teaching bad writing habits instead of good ones.  They're not doing it on purpose.  And if they knew they were doing it, I think they'd stop.

I'm not talking about non-fiction, by the way.  I think most of them have the term-paper, research-paper, two-page-report-on-the-boring-life-of-Emily-Dickinson thing down.  And more power to them, because I kind of hate that stuff.

I'm talking FICTION.  You know.  The good stuff.  *grin*

To be fair to them (and, for what it's worth, one of the people who influenced me the most as a writer was one of my English teachers), they're stuck with the curriculum.  And curriculum does-not-equal the be-all end-all of what it means to WRITE FICTION WELL.

So.  I'll attempt to fill in the spaces.  Correct the wrong thinking.  And help you all to write like AUTHORS instead of like ENGLISH STUDENTS.

If you know what I mean.

How does that sound?

(Oh, and those non-fiction writing assignments you're receiving from your teachers or parents?  I WANT YOU TO WRITE THOSE WELL, TOO.  I may hate writing them, but I believe anyone who calls himself a writer should take ALL writing assignments seriously, whether they flip your chocolate chip cookie or not.  So no slacking!)

Twitter Contest!!!

If you're not already following me on Twitter, head on over and FOLLOW!

Read HERE to learn all about the fabulous prizes. Then head over to Twitter! First contest window is today from noon to 3 EST.

Cool prizes for writers and readers alike!

LIVE CHAT with AGENT KATHLEEN ORTIZ

That's right! The sharp-and-savvy (and adorable) Kathleen Ortiz of Lowenstein Associates will be joining us in the chat room on FRIDAY NIGHT from 8 to 9 EST.  Come with your questions ready!  Kathleen's a load of fun AND a wealth of information.

Kathleen's Bio:

Kathleen Ortiz began her career in publishing at Ballinger Publishing as an editorial assistant and interactive media designer for the young adult section, working to boost the magazine’s online presence through social networking. She then moved on to uwirepr.com as online editor for the features, art & entertainment sections. She has also taught high school classes as a visual media instructor.

Kathleen is currently Associate Agent and Foreign Rights Manager at Lowenstein Associates. She is seeking children's books (chapter, middle grade, and young adult) and young adult non-fiction. While Kathleen enjoys everything from light-hearted and humorous to dark and edgy, she'd love to find an amazing romance from a male point of view or a steampunk with fantastic world building.

Lowenstein Associates believes with the continued demand for online marketing in publishing, a strong online platform is essential for today's authors. Kathleen uses her background in interactive media design to assist Lowenstein Associates’ clients with branding themselves. She maintains a blog on tips for querying and publishing at Neverending Page Turner and may also be found on Twitter.